Puppy Jokes

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

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What do you call a puppy with autism?

aww-tistic

What did the gold say when it saw the puppy?

Au.

What's the best part about getting a puppy?

Getting new shoes every week.

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

Why did Ellen Pao punch the puppy?

Cause shes terrible.

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

Where do puppies go when they die?

Back into the microwave so I can get in another round.

What do you call a puppy in the desert?

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

How do you unload a truck load of puppies?

With a pitchfork

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

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How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?

A: RUFF!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?

Because they mess up the whole house !

What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

A puppy.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?

If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.

What if I see a puppy?

What if my house burns down

What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree?

A puppy nailed to 7 trees.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What do you call a puppy combined with bread?

Well, It's not a purebread anymore.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was a puppy!

What do you call a puppy with a camera?

A furtographer

What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow?

Slush Puppies

What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper?

Ruff

When she asks "is that your puppy?

say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her

How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever?

You stop feeding it.

What do you call someone who molests puppies and kittens?

A Petophile

How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out

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What do you call two witches who share a room?

Broom-mates.

Why is it called a living room?

Don't we live in every room

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning?

mana-pause

How do you stop an Internet troll?

Seize their memes of production.

Teach Jokes More Teach Jokes

What do Hispanic parents say to teach their son to drive?

Jesus, take the wheel!

Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?

So he'd use natural logs!

Snow Jokes More Snow Jokes

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the snow for too long?

Polaroids.

How do you call playing games while it snows heavily?

Blizzard Entertainment.

7 Jokes More 7 Jokes

Why does everyone hate 7?

Because 7 kneeled during the National Anthem.

Why is the new version called Windows 10?

Because 7 ate 9.

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

What do you think of my tweets?

Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding?

Nothing, he already said it twice.

Hour Jokes More Hour Jokes

Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?

You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good' " first.

What do white guys do that lasts hours and makes white women scream?

NASCAR

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

an im-paw-ster.

How is she?

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".