Candle Jokes

What did the candle say to the flame?

You're getting on my wick.

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What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?

Electricity.

What is the most-ignored rule in a convent?

Lights out at nine, candles out at ten.

What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles?

A candle-nah-brah

What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?

There ain't no rest for the wicked

What did one candle say to the other candle?

A: Are you going out tonight

When can you operate?

lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

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What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles?

He makes a swish!

What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles?

A. Electricity.

What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?

A: I'm at wick's end.

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?

Electricity.

Why did the peace-loving incandescent bulb reject the candle and choose the fluorescent lamp as role model?

The fluorescent lamp wouldn't hurt a fly.

What did one candle say to the other?

Don't birthdays burn you up "

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition?

Ah yes wax would go well with this cake and you know what else Child spit.

What did the socialist use before candles?

Electricity.

What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle?

The candle is a thousand times brighter!

How long does it take to burn a candle down ?

About a wick !

How do you make a candle really happy...?

Blow it out, it'll be delighted

What's the Primary Directive in a nunnery (convent) ?

Lights out at nine, candles out at ten ...

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

What did Russians use for light before candles?

Light bulbs

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?

He wanted to have a birthday potty!

What do eskimos do when it gets cold?

They go into their igloos and sit around a candle. What do they do when it gets even colder They turn on the candle.

What did the man say when he sat on a candle?

Fire in the hole!

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Knock Jokes More Knock Jokes

Why did Mary fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms. Knock, knock! (Who's there ) Well, it ain't Mary.

Why is it called an "almond" in the tree but an "amond" when it falls to the ground?

When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.

Hold Jokes More Hold Jokes

How many pregnant women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. She holds it while the world revolves around her.

What's going on?

Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet They think I'm pee!

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

How did Geordi La Forge go blind?

He turned on the UV light in the Holodeck.

How did the calf's final exam turn out?

Grade A!

Priest Jokes More Priest Jokes

What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church?

A holey bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.

What does a priest and a christmas tree have in common?

The balls are for decoration!

Sin Jokes More Sin Jokes

What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing That's very common. ...about my boyfriend.

How did Jesus pay for our sins?

Pray-Pal

Heaven Jokes More Heaven Jokes

Why do all black people go to heaven?

The Son is attracted to black

What do you call a nun who's gone to Heaven?

Nun of the above.

House Jokes More House Jokes

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car

How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?

Your mailbox is missing!

Invite Jokes More Invite Jokes

Why did Thor not invite many people to his brother's wedding?

Because it was Low key

Why wasn't Thor invited to his brother's surprise party?

Odin wanted to keep it 'Loki'.