Expect Jokes

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Coffee Mug

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

What did the doctor say when he delivered a blonde-haired baby to an expecting Chinese couple?

Two Wongs don't make a white

Who remembers the 2016 presidential race?

Nobody expected that late run from Gonzalez, did they?

What does Harry Potter say after he purchases slaves?

I expect to Potter-own 'em.

Whats the best thing about dating a Cleveland Cavaliers fan?

They never expect a ring

What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball?

Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

He was expecting showers.

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hehe... 'screw' Alternatively: 69, but everyone expects that one.

What did the redditor say when he opened his package from the UniBomber?

Wow, I did not expect this post to blow up

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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Coffee Mug

What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day?

SINGLE

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?

Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

Why didn't you answer me ?

Pupil: I did I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !

What do you call a funny hill?

Hilarious ... My little sister told me this and I wasn't expecting it at all. :

What if you go missing?

How do you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on Facebook.

How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?

Edit: Wow, I did not expect this to get so many upvotes!

This joke may have profanity.

What is the best definition of irony?

irony irne/ noun a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

Why did Tony cross the road?

To get to the other side. He then turned around, stuck up his middle finger and said, "Hah, you were all expecting a joke, and all you got was an Anthony joke!"