Pound Jokes

Why was Kim Kardashian arrested at the airport?

She had two pounds of crack in her knickers.

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Why does the town pound keep animals in separate cages?

Cause otherwise they'd be going to pound town.

What's the relationship between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble?

A pound of rubles is worth one dollar.

Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny?

Because they are always losing pounds.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Why are there so many dogs at the pound?

Because no one wants them.

Whats the difference between Taylor Swift and Adele?

About fifty pounds

How do dog catchers get paid?

By the Pound!

What's the quickest way to lose pounds?

The UK National Lottery!

How much does Nicki Minaj sell security devices for?

Pound an alarm

What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.

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What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?

A bad gambler

What's the difference between a lesbian and a sperm whale?

Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

What is the fastest way to lose pounds?

Leave EU.

Why were the vets and pounds mad?

It was raining cats and dogs

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!

What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef?

A humburger.

What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common?

For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

Why is the new Brexit diet so popular?

All you gotta be is a little more than halfway into it and the pounds will start falling.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?

Here Kitty kitty kitty' !

What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement?

Pounds

What's the best way to lose some pounds?

Leave the EU.

What's the difference between a Pound and a Dollar?

A dollar

Who's there ! Bette-lou ! Bette-lou who ?

Bette-lou a few pounds !

Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King?

Because you have to court her before you pound her.

How does a dog catcher gets paid?

by the pound.

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

A: About fifty pounds.

What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common?

They both lose pounds really fast.

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Gut Jokes More Gut Jokes

Why can't spooky skeletons cross the road?

No guts.

Why was the Jack-o-Lantern afraid to cross the road?

He had no guts!

Follow Jokes More Follow Jokes

How do you find Will Smith in the winter time?

follow the Fresh Prints!

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

Weigh Jokes More Weigh Jokes

What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken?

No weigh...

Where do they weigh whales?

At the whale weigh station of course.

Crack Jokes More Crack Jokes

What do women and Slinkies have in common?

Not much, but you can't help but crack a smile when see some tumbling down the stairs.

What's a drug addict's favorite music genre?

Crack rock

Coke Jokes More Coke Jokes

Whats Brown and Sticky?

Mohammed Ali opening a can of coke.

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

Turkey Jokes More Turkey Jokes

How do you end world hunger?

Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.

What do you get when you cross a baseball with a turkey?

A fowl ball!

Animal Jokes More Animal Jokes

What do reindeer have that other animals don't have?

Baby reindeer

What is it that separates humans from animals?

The Mediterranean Sea

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

Whats the difference between a Ginger and a Shoe ?

The shoe has a sole

What's the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber?

The way they pronounce "unionized"