Crap Jokes

What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person?

Would you pull that crap with a net?

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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

What's so meta that you almost crap your pants?

Metamucil

Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?

Carpet bombing.

What do you call it when Superman craps his pants?

Undy-terd.

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

What does a bad salesman and a toilet have in common?

They are both full of crap.

How long does it take for a White woman to take a crap?

9 Months.

Why don't asians like to applause?

Because every time they do all they do is crap

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What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands?

If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands."

What the difference between the U.S. Government and a bucket of crap?

The bucket

What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

Why are constipated people so rude?

They don't give a crap

What do you get when a ghost takes a crap?

Rectoplasm.

What would a diatomic Calcium molecule look like if existed?

Like Crap or Feces (its the same) WHY Because its Ca=Ca (equal sign is a double bond)

What'd you do this weekend?

I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino " *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?

A farte

When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

Why did the baker's hands stink?

Because he needed a crap.

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Dad Jokes More Dad Jokes

What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

How hard is it to find cigarettes?

Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

Rug Jokes More Rug Jokes

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?

Rugs and kisses!

How do u kno the deceased?

I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape " leans in I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

What does a dog have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?

They both have wet noses.

What do you call a dog who got re-elected for mayor?

A dog with pawlitical experience.

Skydiver Jokes More Skydiver Jokes

Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground?

Because he reached terminal velocity.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

Politician Jokes More Politician Jokes

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

What's the difference between a politician and a tiger?

One of them is a big puss

Carpet Jokes More Carpet Jokes

What did the carpet say to the floor?

Don't move -- I've got you covered.

Why does carpet never make a sound?

It's the world's quietest pervert.

Play Jokes More Play Jokes

Where the hell did you get?

the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?

You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)

Case Jokes More Case Jokes

Why did the doe give the faun an umbrella?

In case of reindeer. And because I caribou.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole-in-one.