Politician Jokes

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

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Why I don't joke about politicians?

Because I don't joke about jokes.

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

What is the best way to stop a politician?

A really strong gust of wind.

What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

The lips are moving

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

When their lips move

What's the difference between a beggar and a US Politician?

A beggar has retained his integrity.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money

What did the RAM stick say to the politician?

I'm PC2!

What do politicians do for fun?

Rave at the party.

What's the difference between a politician and a computer?

logic

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What is the best place for politicians?

Election posters. There they are portable, silent and easy to remove.

What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

What do diapers and politicians have in common?

They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason

How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their mouth is moving.

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

How is a broken clock better than a politician?

The clock is still right twice a day.

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to change it, and the other one to change it back again.

What's the difference between a politician and a tiger?

One of them is a big puss

Why is heaven a paradise for the common man?

Because all the politicians are in hell.

Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

What does a sperm and a politician have in common?

They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.

What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?

A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.

What happens to a politician when he takes a Viagra?

He gets taller.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What happens when you give Viagra to a politician?

He gets taller

This joke may have profanity.

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.

Why is being a politician more difficult than being a ventriloquist?

Ventriloquists have to be able to speak with their mouths closed. Politicians speak out of both sides of their mouths simultaneously.

How do you know you're golfing with a politician?

When they get a hole-in-one they write down *zero* on the scorecard.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

What's the only thing politicians stand for?

Reelection.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

What do politicians and sperm have in common?

About 1 in every 600 million has a chance of becoming a human.

What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.?

Between a politician and a news camera.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you!

What do cannibals and politicians have in common?

They both enjoy handshakes.

Why are politicians buried 6 feet under?

Because deep down, they're good people.

What do you call a politician in a house fire?

Burning Sanders!

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.

How cold is it outside?

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What's the difference between a church bell &amp a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

What's do Christians and politicians have in common?

They pick and choose what they want to believe.

What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?

The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

This joke may have profanity.

What do these 2 have in common What does your mum and a politician have in common?

When they scream they make no sense

What's the difference between a bad mechanic and a politician?

With the mechanic, there's a shot something might get fixed...

What's the difference between a baby and a politician?

Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.

What did the cannibal make of the politician he just met?

Pork and bologne sammiches.

What did the politicians say after taking a huge bong hit?

What's Allepo "

How can you tell that a politician lies?

His lips are moving

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

What's a politicians favorite kind of dance move?

Poll dancing!

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What did God say when he saw the first black person?

Ooops, I burnt one!

What did God say when he made the first black guy?

Oops I burned one!

Laugh Jokes More Laugh Jokes

What's the best way?

I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice"

How do you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.

Money Jokes More Money Jokes

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

Where does a hedge knight invest his money?

In a hedge fund

Cat Jokes More Cat Jokes

What did the one cat say to the other cat?

I'm not feline too good.

How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

Comic Jokes More Comic Jokes

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

Diaper Jokes More Diaper Jokes

Why are diapers like $10 bills?

Because you have to change them.

Why did the baby squirrel wear a diaper?

To hide his nuts!!

Wind Jokes More Wind Jokes

Why does the forest stink during a storm?

Because the trees break wind.

What is the color of the wind?

A. Blew.

Good Way Jokes More Good Way Jokes

What's the best way to find out if you have ticklish balls?

Test Tickles

What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer