Dad Jokes

What do you call a noisy Chinese dog?

How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)

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What's worse: ignorance or indifference?

Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.

WhatsApp and SMS ?

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?

Scratching at the inside of her coffin. Courtesy of my dad.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am?

It's your dad.

What will you have sir?

Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause " Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."

When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?

Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak

What about your mom?

No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."

What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

What's a swear word?

Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word

What does a 14 year-old Native American girl say when she loses her virginity?

Stop Dad, you're crushing me smokes!

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How did the pig get out of the tree?

The swine flu (joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this)

What's going on?

Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet They think I'm pee!

When she asks "is that your puppy?

say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?

A transparent ( )

What does a Pokemon baby say to his dad in Star Wars?

Waba Fett

Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

What's up dog?

Dad: Just chilling homie, what's up with you!

What does my jokes and cancer have in common?

Only my dad gets it.

Where did our son go?

What son *Dad cries with joy

What's your dad do?

Kid: My dad He's an actor Me: Why Couldn't you get a real dad

What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

What do we call a wireless mouse?

Hamster.

What sort of a car has your dad got?

I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.

How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger?

His mom is Thai and his dad is.......

What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!"

Who was that coughing in the background?

Me : Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss

What is the difference between wealth and poverty?

And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'

Why did the dad make the joke?

For the pun of it.

What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow?

The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

I don't think they'll fit me.

What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?

A Popsicle.

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Real Dad Jokes More Real Dad Jokes

Why did the stool not listen to the stepladder?

Because it wasn't his real dad

What's your dad do?

Kid: My dad He's an actor Me: Why Couldn't you get a real dad

5 Jokes More 5 Jokes

How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?

not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7

Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Good Place Jokes More Good Place Jokes

Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican?

Under a bar of soap.

Where's the best place to explore?

Rome.

Wait Jokes More Wait Jokes

Who is that walking up my driveway?

Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."

Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup?

Pho queue

Touch Jokes More Touch Jokes

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

Where did he touch you as a kid?

that will be an extra $50."

Son Jokes More Son Jokes

What kind of jacket would Michael J. Fox wear if he was black?

OC A parka, son.

What did the buffalo say when dropping off his son at college?

Bison.

God Jokes More God Jokes

How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?

Well... If it's any constellation..."

What did I do before Twitter?

Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY ! !

Neck Jokes More Neck Jokes

How do you see countries neighboring Russia?

Ukraine your neck.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.