Table Jokes

Why didn't the table want to be sat on?

He wasn't a charitable guy

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What did the Olive say when it fell off the table?

I'll live...

Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

How do you get out?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.

What's best about hiring an immigrant midget?

You pay them under the table )

Why did the couch give the table a dollar?

Because it was for chair-ity

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants? Ferniture.

Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor?

Their teacher told them not to use tables!

What's the difference between an arts student and a table?

A table can support itself

Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table?

DaVinci

When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?

I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too ".

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Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?

This guy.

How big was the ant when it knocked over the table?

giANT!!

What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry?

When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!

What sounds like a robot and bumps into tables?

Stephen Hawking.

Whats your biggest weakness?

I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

How's your meal?

i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

What shape is your table?

A: Um, round But that's not really... R: Got it

What's wrong with these eggs I ordered?

Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.

Why Mark?

I never take drugs. - I say stay away!! Or the drugs will fall from the table!!

Why won't pigs take up jogging?

They don't like to get that far from the table.

What do you call something that swims, is big and has 4 legs?

A whale with a table taped to it.

Why was the egg laughing when it fell off the table?

Because it cracked itself up.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

Why did the table love playing volleyball?

Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

Who's there ! Amanda ! Amanda who ?

Amanda the table!

What is small, crying and cannot get under the table?

A child with pitchfork in his back

A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

'Can I join you?'

3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out

They couldn't find a table.

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Live Jokes More Live Jokes

Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

Why are bodybuilders the best the best partners?

Because with them it always works out.

What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

How do you get rid of pubic lice?

Seriously, it is not a joke. I really want to know.

What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?

Shoot for the Tsars.

Fall Jokes More Fall Jokes

How can you avoid falling hair?

Get out of the way.

What's the difference between a baby and a kilo of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo of cocaine fall out of a window.

Swear Jokes More Swear Jokes

What do you call a hippo that swears?

A hippopottymouth

What do you call a an Egyptian crocodile who swears they live in Florida?

In da-Nile

Pool Table Jokes More Pool Table Jokes

How do you know when you're in a true, tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool tables have no balls

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Jiggle its balls

Dinner Table Jokes More Dinner Table Jokes

How do you know if you're a bogan?

You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table?

Gilles de la gourmette

Sneak Jokes More Sneak Jokes

Why aren't the Eagles worried about big cats sneaking up on them?

They know there ain't no way to hide those lion eyes.

Why does an elephant wear sneakers ?

So that he can sneak up on mice !