Garden Jokes

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."

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Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

What kind of gardening is done in the hood?

Weeding

How do you know which pepper in the garden is the nosiest?

it's the one that's jalapeo business!!!

What do you call an epileptic in the garden?

Seizure salad

What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?

Rudolph's red hose rain gear...

What do ladies-of-the-night do when in their garden?

They hoe it.

Where is your wife ?

In the garden. -But I don't see her. -Oh, you just have to dig a little.

What do you get when you cross worms with elephants?

Big holes in your garden

What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

A paracetamole!

What do you get when you cross a garden, a rabbit, and some ExLax?

For the love of everything sacred on reddit please do not make me actually key the answer....okay, let's say it together, "Salad Shooter".

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What's brown and runs around your garden?

Your fence.

How do you stop your dog digging holes in your garden?

By hiding the shovel in the shed/garage

Why is the retirement center nicknamed "the garden"?

Because it is full of vegetables.

Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?

Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

What's the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

What is the fiercest flower in the garden ?

The tiger lily !

What did the priest say when watering his garden?

Let us spray.

What is your line of business?

Me mumbling: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant ?

Very big worm holes in your garden !

What does a pimp do when his garden needs tending?

He grabs a hoe.

Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?

We're raising mashed potatoes.

What's left of a garden after it catches on fire?

Chard remains.

What is a dogs favourite flower ?

Anything in your garden !

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it round the garden

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?

He wanted to raise some hard cash.

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

It made him wed his plants!

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A. They were really put out.

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball it drives them nuts!

Where would men be without women?

The Garden of Eden

How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?

Take his spade away.

What do you call an epileptic frolicking in a garden?

Seizure salad.

What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'

What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden?

Patti O'Furniture

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Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice?

Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

What's white & falls from the sky?

The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

Car Jokes More Car Jokes

What should a teacher take if he's run down?

The number of the car that hit him.

Why did Bill Nye crash his car?

Because inertia is a property of matter.

Rise Jokes More Rise Jokes

What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom?

The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.

How to raise a kid?

I injected my kid with yeast and put him in the oven for 30 minutes but he didn't rise. Any suggestions

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a burger and a burglar?

Cooking times.

What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman?

Prison

Epileptic Jokes More Epileptic Jokes

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw in your laundry.

How do epileptics keep fit?

With strobe lights.

Tend Jokes More Tend Jokes

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

What did the botanist say to the plant he was tired of tending to?

Grow away.

Pepper Jokes More Pepper Jokes

Why did the man snort Dr. Pepper?

He thought it was Coke!

How do you know if a pepper is being nosy?

When he's jalapeno business!

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

How did Charles Darwin die?

Natural causes.

Why do cool guys never look at explosions?

Because they die in them.