Scientist Jokes

It is not like that anywhere else. It is not like people studying science claim that they are already scientists. Or people studying the arts say they are unemployed.

How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: I don't know, I'm no scientist

What did the scientist see when he looked up his family tree?

A gorilla pooped on his face.

What did the scientist say at the bar?

I'd like some H20 please.

How did Chernobyl disaster happen ?

scientist A : Are you sure ? scientist B : Trust me, I know what i'm doing.

What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate?

OH NO !"

How do scientists celebrate Pirate Day?

They get their Aaargh-On!

Why do scientists call Helium , Barium and Curium the medical elements?

Because if you can't Helium or Curium , You'd Barium!

What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist?

Pronounce this word: unionized

Why did the scientist take off his doorbell?

because he wanted to win the "Nobel" prize!

What do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist?

Dill Rye

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.

What did the scientists say when they found bones on the moon?

the cow didn't make it.

How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's what interns are for.

What'd the scientist say to the man who was frozen to absolute zero?

Are you 0K

What do you do when a scientist dies?

You barium! ba-dum-tss

Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?

What are our scientists doing

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

How many scientists it takes to change a lightbulb?

None *et al.*

Why do scientists call helium , curium and barium the medical elements?

Because, if you can't helium or curium , you'd barium!

What did the scientist say after discovering the medicinal content of homeopathic remedies ?

0mg !!!!

What do you call a scientist that measures things in space?

A cosmetrologist.

How does a scientist make a hormone?

The same way I do: don't pay her!

Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%?

It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!

Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$k dogs?

In the lab.

What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military?

Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.

Why do scientists look for things twice?

A: Because they research everything.

How did the scientist like his guacamole?

With lots of Avogadro!

How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Significantly more than zero, *p* < .001.

What did the scientist who got attacked by sodium chloride say?

That's a salt!

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

The scientists were brainstorming.

How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills?

They're always looking for Grant money.

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell?

because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!! Sorry, I ll walk out

Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?

Because they were for test porpoise only

What do scientists solve?

Che-mysteries!

Why are quantum physicists the kinkiest of all scientists?

They have the ability to penetrate both holes at the same time. explanation(http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slitexperiment)

Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

How does a scientist freshen their breath?

With experi-mints!

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Stare Jokes More Stare Jokes

Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.

What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?

Chicken sees-a salad

Soldier Jokes More Soldier Jokes

What do you call a soldier with long arms?

An army soldier

What's the scariest 3 letter acronym for a soldier in Afghanistan with a 15 year old daughter at home?

IUD

Learn Jokes More Learn Jokes

What do Santa's little helpers learn in school?

The Elfabet!

Why do we need to be learned English?

Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie?

Stephen Hawking doesn't walkie or talkie.

White People Jokes More White People Jokes

Why do aliens only abduct white people?

Because they are easier to see in the dark.

How do you know Axe was invented by black people?

If it was white people who invented it, it would be called Ask.

Inspire Jokes More Inspire Jokes

What's the difference between a feminist and a battery?

Batteries have a positive side! inspired by: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zlrot/howmanyfeministsdoesittaketochangea/

What do a Marionette User and Tampon Thief have in common?

They both pull strings for work. (Inspired by Bo Burnham, this popped into my head the other day)

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that's a Mexican's job.

How many dragon Ball z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many dragon Ball z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it'll take at least 6 episodes!

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

Why won't the ocean let us drink its water?

Because it's too salty.

How can you tell if someone is schizophrenic?

I'll let my friend answer that one: