Soviet Jokes

Which is the most communist vegetable?

The soviet Onion

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How do Soviet prison mates greet each other?

Gulag to you too.

What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war?

Now you're just Stallin.

What does it take to make Mother Russia pregnant?

A soviet seamen

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?

a soviet

Why are the Soviets Russian?

Because there's no Stalin.

What does a neckbeard tip his fedora to in soviet russia?

M'otherland"

What does a soviet call someone with good vision?

Glasnots.

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?

Shoot for the Tsars.

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What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

The khrushchev

Why did the Soviet union fail?

Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it... :P

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What do you get when you cross a lima bean with a Soviet?

A Lenintil...

How many Soviets does it take to change a light bulb?

None! In Soviet Russia, light bulb changes you!

Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?

Cuz they got tired of Stalin.

What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain?

In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

They were afraid of Stalin.

How do they cook a turkey in Russia?

They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Which country has the most crying people per km?

The Soviet Onion

Why did the Soviets pull their missiles out?

Because they feared a premature ejectulation

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Why do Soviets use lowercase letters?

Because they don't understand CAPitalism

What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.

What is it with Russians and their track suits?

Because back in Soviet day, suit track you.

What do communists put in their soup?

Soviet Onions.

What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?

I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.

Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans?

Cuz they were stalin'!

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

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What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

What does a soviet call someone with good vision?

Glasnots.

Manual Jokes More Manual Jokes

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

a manual.

Stalin Jokes More Stalin Jokes

Why did Russia lose the race?

Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

Why did the Germans loose WWII?

They kept Stalin around.

Bathroom Jokes More Bathroom Jokes

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

A. Three if you slice them very thinly.

How long is one minute?

It depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Automatic Transmission Jokes More Automatic Transmission Jokes

Why do feminists only drive cars with automatic transmissions?

It pains them to have standards.

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

What is a hipster russian roulette?

You got six cookies and five of them is gluten free.

What happened to the Russians and Austrians at Austerlitz?

They got Napoleon Blownapart! Happy 200th Anniversary of Waterloo everyone!

Lenin Jokes More Lenin Jokes

What score did Lenin get on his exam paper?

Full Marx

What do you call it when Lenin, Trotsky, and Stalin get together for a drink?

A communist party

Break Jokes More Break Jokes

What did the doctor say to the man that broke his arm?

Be patient

How do you break up an Arab Bingo game?

Yell B-52.