Putin Jokes

What did Hillary say when she lost?

Putin end to my life.

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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the olympic games ?

To be put out.

What do you call a weird Russian?

Off-Putin.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine?

Crimea river

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?

Crimea River.

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

What does Putin say during his new years speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

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Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine?

Cri-me-a river!"

What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?

Amputin

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

because hes Russian (rush-en)

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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End Jokes More End Jokes

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?

Somebody took a corner!

Why did the English major break up with the pilot?

Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.

Foreplay Jokes More Foreplay Jokes

What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep?

Foreplay

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

Kremlin Jokes More Kremlin Jokes

Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

Why did the Kremlin sacrifice 8.7 million soldiers during WWII?

They were just Stalin for time.

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

They're used to disappointment.

Pee Jokes More Pee Jokes

What did the Taliban soldier say to his buddy?

Afgan I pee... Stan he fer me a minute.

Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!

Invade Jokes More Invade Jokes

Why are Republicans so insistent on a war in the Middle East?

Because its good Christian values to invade the Middle East.

How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.

Favorite Food Jokes More Favorite Food Jokes

What's a astronauts favorite food?

Lays, because they are full of air.

What is Vladimir Putins favorite food?

Peaches and Krim

Place Jokes More Place Jokes

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.