Putin Jokes

What did Hillary say when she lost?

Putin end to my life.

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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

What is the saddest that can happen to Putin's team for the olympic games ?

To be put out.

What do you call a weird Russian?

Off-Putin.

What happens if you pee on Putin's head?

Urine big trouble...

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine?

Crimea river

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?

Crimea River.

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

What does Putin say during his new years speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

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Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?

Nyet long. He's always Russian.

What is Putin's favorite new ballot?

Crimea River

Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

They were Putin up with him.

Where does Putin negotiate?

The Crimea River

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine?

Cri-me-a river!"

What's Putin's new favorite song?

Crimea River

Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

Crimea River

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song?

Cremia River

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What's Vladimir's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?

He was Russian.

What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship?

Vloody Putin

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

What did people call Putin after he lost an arm?

Amputin

What do you call a hoarse Putin?

Rasputin

Why is Putin Always early?

because hes Russian (rush-en)

How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.

Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.

Which Russian leader is always farting?

Putin

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.

How do the Russian people feel about their government?

They're Putin up with it.

What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?

Putin: "Turkey"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

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What did the green onion say to the Thanksgiving dinner?

I ain't no chive, Turkey."

What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner?

Turkey.

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What did the Englishman call the hilarious Slav?

Top Vlad.

What do you call Dracula when he goes swimming?

Aqua-Vlad

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What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left?

You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?

Don't feed it !

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How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill. BONUS: How do you make French Wine? Invade.

Why did the USA invade Panama?

Just 'Cause

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What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad ?

It became a daddy short legs !

Why, what happened, officer?

He wasn't white and that wasn't right, we found he was black, and that was whack, so we shot him in the back.

Vladimir Putin Jokes More Vladimir Putin Jokes

What did Vladimir Putin say to the Ukraine after he annexed it?

Crimean river.

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast?

Head Russian...

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

Why won't the ocean let us drink its water?

Because it's too salty.

Why should you slow down to let another car move into your lane?

good karma.

Place Jokes More Place Jokes

Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin?

Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.

What do you call an X-Games athlete who placed dead last?

A louger.