Speed Jokes

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time?

MC Escher

What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

What is 90-60-90?

Speed while driving past a speed camera.

What happens if you feed Link some Speed?

you get a Hyperlink ...

What happens when something travels faster than the speed of light?

Does it matter?

What are goosebumps for?

To slow down speeding geese!

What did the cow say to the police officer, giving a speeding ticket?

Miav.

What does "Maginot Line" get translated to in English?

Speed bump ahead

What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

Need for speed.

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What are goosebumps used for?

To keep geese from speeding!

How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knock speeds up.

What is the Speed of Darkness?

Batman!

How amphetamine addiction is called?

Need for Speed.

Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed?

Only one more sleep until Christmas!

What do you say when a woman falls off a boat?

Full speed ahead!"

What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?

Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.

Why were you speeding when I stopped you?

Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

What do they say when a woman falls over?

FULL SPEED AHEAD!" Sauce: https://www.youtube.com/watch v=OA8TlOsVw#t=82

Where can you find the speed of light?

At C level

Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan?

Because he was going *to fast*!

Why were you speeding?

Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."

Why isn't the speed of light Asian?

Because it never gets better than a 'C'.

How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?

A: The knocking always speeds up.

Why did you ticket the computer?

Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding?

Quit Russian.

What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?

Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

What do you call someone who likes speed?

Racist.

What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road?

He was stopped for speeding fined $50 and dismantled for six months.

What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

Thank you for your patients.

What do you yell when a woman falls of a boat?

Full speed ahead

What did Einstein say when he was pulled over for speeding?

Speed is relative, officer."

Why did the updraft get pulled over?

It was speeding in a high shear zone

What do you call a speeding vegetable?

Michael Schumacher.

What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

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What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ?

A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !

Why did the researcher take his paper to the harbour?

To get it pier reviewed.

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

What's black and doesn't work in an office?

Decaf coffee!

What's the similarity between communism and a pencil?

They both only really work on paper

Jump Jokes More Jump Jokes

Why did the Mexican jump the border?

To get back to Mexico

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds ?

An elephant with hiccups !

Check Jokes More Check Jokes

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.

How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Uh...standby I'll check on that.

Drive Jokes More Drive Jokes

How do you drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"

How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

Why do they call it the XBOX 360?

Because you turn 360 and walk away!!

What's the difference between Rutgers and Rikers?

One turns young people into horrible human beings and the other is jail.

Car Jokes More Car Jokes

What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

What's worse than getting dumped by your girlriend?

Getting denied by a car when hitch-hiking.

3 Jokes More 3 Jokes

How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM

What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common?

3 in 1