God Jokes

Why did God invent economists?

So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

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Why did God make pubic hair curly?

So we don't poke our eyes out.

What is the difference between God and a police officer?

God doesn't think he's a police officer.

How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

Me: oh, um, science.

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

What's your opener?

JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too

What's the difference between God and a Welder?

God doesn't think he's a Welder.

What is the difference between Kanye West and God?

God doesn't think that He's Kanye.

What do my dad and God have in common?

I've never seen or heard from either of them.

What do you call a God unfit for the times at hand?

O Cristor Redundant

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What do you call an awkward questioner?

I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.

What instrument does God play?

He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."

What did God say when he made the first black person?

Damn, I burnt one...

What did God say to the cheese that sinned?

Gouda Hell.

Why did God make man before woman?

You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

How can you tell God is a man?

If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

What does God smell like?

Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese

Why was Jesus not born in Australia?

Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.

What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus?

It's a match made in Heaven!

How do you know God isn't black?

Because it's not "I is who I is" My brother is 35...

Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard?

The loser was 'thore'"

What is an ark?

2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

What's the difference between god and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.

Why did God invent women?

You think he's gonna wash the dishes

What do you say when God sneezes?

Go bless yourself.

Why does everything taste like chicken?

Because God is black.

What did God say to Jesus?

This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.

What does God call his nose?

God knows.

What does the electron say to the resistor?

Ohm my god you're impeding me. *initiate knee slap

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!

What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

How do you know that God isn't a woman?

Because I'm not a sandwich.

How did God get Mary pregnant?

He used the holy immaculate contraception

Why is God depressed?

Imagine...*You* Being God, the Lord, Him... But imagine us.

Why did god invent whiskey?

x-post /r/drunkjokes) So the Irish would never rule the world

What did God say to Noah?

Make a backup, I need to re-format this."

Why would he put that on a resume?

Oh. My. God. You're hired."

What did God say when he made the first black guy?

Oops I burned one!

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A nun only serves one God.

Why do we have oceans?

Because based god and acid god had a baby.

Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome?

God doesn't punish anyone twice.

How do we know God isn't black?

Because then he would've said "I is who I is"

What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love?

A stupid Cupid!

What, why?

is it my hair Her: no Me: MY LOOKS! Her: no, it's your personality Me: oh thank god

Why did the religious person give up smoking?

Because God hates fags.

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!! XD

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

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Bath Jokes More Bath Jokes

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?

A little bear !

What do a Yugo and a bath have in common?

You can't step out of them in public.

Bono Jokes More Bono Jokes

How does Bono spell color?

With or without "u"

Why is there echo every time Bono sings?

Because he's close to The Edge

Shelter Jokes More Shelter Jokes

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

Instrument Jokes More Instrument Jokes

What instrument was the predecessor to the tuba?

The oneba

Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?

Idk, accordion to research I guess.

Fish Jokes More Fish Jokes

What does a fisherman say when he catches a fish?

His catch-phrase. Short n' Sweet, hope you like it!

What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle?

Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What do women and Spotify ads have in common?

They're both annoying and want your money.

Why did man invent the shipping cart?

To teach women how to stand on their hind legs.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What is the difference between Windows and the US Goverment?

There is none. All of us hope that the next version will be more stable.

What is the difference between a pack of pygmies and a girls track team?

The pack of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

Ocean Jokes More Ocean Jokes

What did the ocean say to the river?

You can run but you can't tide."

What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob