Live Jokes

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

How can you tell you live in an Asian part of town?

All the Mexicans have car insurance.

What kind of Ant lives in rented accommodation?

Tenants.

What city does Affirmative Action Aslan live?

Kathmandu.

What did the natives say when they discovered a Yeti living amongst them in their village?

Inuit.

What do T-Rex's do for a living?

They're small arms dealers.

What's something that's true, real and lives in the dirty south?

A Trillbilly!

What do you call someone from Olomouc who's living on the dole?

A welfare Czech.

How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction?

It turns out, it's not very hard at all

Why are Saudi Arabians so clueless?

They're all living under Iraq

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

Where does a Turkey live?

A coup.

Who earns a living driving their customers away?

A taxi driver

Which street does the police officer live in?

Let's be Avenue

Where do clowns live?

In a Clown Hall.

Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.

What does a horny man living in Northern Russia need?

He needs two jacket.

This joke may have profanity.

Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

What did Neo say when Morpheus said: "You've been living in a dreamworld Neo"?

I noe

Where live the knights of the round bed?

They live in Cameltoe.

What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?

They both live off dead beetles

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

Where do poor noodles live?

In the spaghetto

How long does an owl live?

About six and a half books.

What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."

What's the difference between a masochist and a blogger?

There's none, both live for the hits.

What do you call Mexicans living in the USA?

Illegal aliens. LOL

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

What do you call a horse that lives next to you?

A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke.

How an Illuminati living in the arctic is called?

An Igloominati

Why are firetrucks red?

You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.

What do you call it when a hobbit lives in the ghetto?

Worcestershire

What's another name for a supernova?

A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me.

Why does Bono never get any mail?

He lives on a street with no name.

What's the best part about living in Flint, Michigan?

Leaded gasoline is pretty cheep!

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

Where do poor Italians live?

A spaghetto.

What's the difference between people on Reddit and dead people?

Dead people had lives.

Why is Santa so jolly?

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!

What did the Olive say when it fell off the table?

I'll live...

What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo?

An Eskimoji

Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why don't married men live as long as single men?

They don't want to!

Where do singing seahorses live?

In a choral coral corral

Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?

He knows where the naughty girls live.

Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

Because they all live in de-nile...

Where does Eskimo-Senpai live?

In the tsundra.

What's a Chinese fisherman's least favorite part of living in Hollywood?

Pilot season

What TV personality lives in your phone?

SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)

What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?

My favorite is: "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies."

Why don't hipsters live in Alaska?

Everything is cool there already.

Why does Torque live on campus?

Because cross products don't commute!

Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?

Because he's alive.

Where do homeless accountants live?

In a tax shelter. Blame GROCO PCA

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

USB

Where do poor people live in Italy?

In the spaghetto

Which alligator lives in the arctic?

The refridgegator.

What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men?

Live Jasmine

What do you call someone that lives next a horse?

Their neighbor

Where does poor spaghetti live?

The spaghetto

What's the worst thing about living with Alzheimer's?

I forgot

What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house?

Roofs.

Where do the happy people of Baltimore live?

In a merry land.

Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events?

He's been living under The Rock.

What kind of house does Fonzie live in?

An "A" frame...

How many people live in the lower part of Italy?

There are literally Sicilians.

What do you call a Mexican that lives on a hill?

Slopz

How many Global Warming nutjobs does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they don't use light bulbs. They live in caves and use no forms of artificial energy because they wouldn't want to be perceived as hypocrites or morons.

Who lives in the white house?

the black man

What lives on a farm and says moo?

a bilingual chicken

What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?

Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.

What does Bob the spider do for a living?

He's a web developer.

How many people live in South America?

A Brazilian.

Where do good bees live?

A bee-have

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

Why are people so sad in Ferguson?

Because they live in misery

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

Why do women make bad engineers?

Their whole lives they have been told 5 inches is 8

Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.

What do maggots and Alabama fans have in common?

They can both live off a dead bear for years.

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

Where do noobs live in Iceland?

Rekt-javk

Who lives there?

The yellow man lives in the yellow house. The purple man lives in the purple house. The red man in the red house. And the blue man in the blue house. So who lives in the White House? The black man. It's better in person, I'm so sorry.

Who lives in a hut with a couple pieces of trash and two grains of rice?

An Ethiopian person who has been hoarding for several years now.

Why do Zelda and Link smoke weed?

Because they live in the kingdom where the hyrule.

Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!

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