Live Jokes

He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

Why don't fairies live under toadstools?

Because there's not mushroom!

Where do Pandas live?

On the road to Extinction.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What's upside down and downside up at the same time ?

A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!

What do you call the neighborhood where all the poor Italians live?

The spaghetto.

Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

It was hard to make a living.

What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common?

they touched some many lives

What do you call an emotionally unstable animal who lives in alaska and vacations in antarctica?

A BIPOLAR BEAR

What did the Goat living in Manama say when it starting raining?

BAAAHH RAIN!"

Why do they call a bird that lives by the sea, a seagul?

Because if it lived by the bay, it would be called a Bagel.

What lives in a tree and is dangerous?

A crow with a machine gun.

How's it like living in a totalitarian regime?

Can't complain.

Why don't any pirates live in Kansas?

Because they all live in kansas.

Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

He knows where all the bad girls live

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

What did the penguin say to the polar bear?

Nothing, penguins live in the south pole and polar bears live in the north pole. TROLOLOLOL

How would it be living in an only men city?

I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.

Why are muslim people so kind-hearted?

Because they don't live long, especially when they're a bomb

Why do birds live in nests?

Because they can't afford houses in this economy.

What happened when the two angels got married?

They lived harpily ever after!

How do you get rid of somebody?

Give them a ticket for a flight on Malaysian Airlines and hope that they will live up to their reputation!

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?

Because it is below C level.

What lives in the ocean is grouchy and hates neighbours ?

A hermit crab !

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

What makes me want to lose the will to live?

r/Jokes!

What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

Long live the Queen.

Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment?

She loves cheap bills

Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland?

Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ?

It lives on ice !

Why weren't you at work last week?

Me: Why are you living in the past

How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?

By appearing in television spooktaculars.

How's my dad?

Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"

Where in New York City do lesbians most like to live?

Manhatin'

What are two letters a Brit can't live without?

T and Qs.

Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

Why would I want to quit smoking?

Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause?

He knows where all the naughty girls live #*( )*

What is a Budget?

A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

Where do the cleverest parrots live?

In the brain tree forests!

What kind of house does cheese like to live in?

A cottage"

What do call a horse that lives near you?

A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)

Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

I don't know I have DirecTV.

What part of the house does a ghost not use?

The living room

Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives?

Crimea River

What's the only positive from living in the ghetto?

Pregnancy tests

What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

What do you call the area where a horse lives?

The NEIGHHHHHHborhood

What do you call a an Egyptian crocodile who swears they live in Florida?

In da-Nile

What do you call a canine that lives at the beach?

A hot dog.

Why are the people of Saudi Arabia always behind the times?

Because they live under Iraq.

Why do procrastinators live the longest?

Because they die at the last second.

Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?

Purrgatory.

What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek?

Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.

What lives in the sea and yells?

A: A clam shouter.

What do you call a man with no will to live?

Willis.

What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living?

A Poptometrist!

Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?

They all live in Arkansas

How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A sandwich.

What do you call an actor who has given up civilized life and gone to live in the wilderness?

Will Feral. Edit: I tried

What do you do for a living?

The engineer replies " I make chips" "Oh yummy!"

What do you call Abby who lives in the city?

Downtown Abby

Why doesn't Mexico live up to it's full potential in the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are in America.

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?

A mousetache.

Why are Saudis so behind on current events?

Because they live under Iraq.

What do you call Squidward when he gives DNA results for a living?

You call 'im Maury. :)

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after!

What do you call the horse than lives next door?

A neighbour!

What type of cheese lives under your bed?

Muenster.

Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

Because they had good high jeans

What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe?

Vault Disney

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

Why do blacks make good athletes?

They spent the first nine months of their lives dodging hangers.

Who, me?

Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

What animal lives on the farm and says "moo"?

A bilingual chicken

What kind of elephants live in Antartica ?

Cold ones !

What do you call a pair of twins who live together?

Womb-mates"

What does a Muslim man call a girl he is living in sin with?

Haram bea

How do people with Mesothelioma live their lives?

Asbestos they can.

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog -- it croaks every night.

What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?

A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

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Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

How does Kris Kringle clean his hands?

Santatizer

Why did Timmy fall off the swings?

Didn't have any hands.. (the real punch line) Knock knock.. Who's there Not Timmy..

Uncle Jokes More Uncle Jokes

What do you get when you have an ant with 8 legs?

An uncle that has to build a bigger shoe closet...

What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle?

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?

A transparent ( )

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many Gordon Ramseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, he lets the knives do the work

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

27 Jokes More 27 Jokes

How do you get 27 kids to carve a statue?

A: Have everybody chip in.

Who is missing an egg?

there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.

Light Bulb Jokes More Light Bulb Jokes

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WANNA RIDE BIKES

Black Man Jokes More Black Man Jokes

What's the difference between Batman and a Black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

What is a black mans favorite Halloween costume?

Robbin Hood

Estimate Jokes More Estimate Jokes

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.