Doctor Jokes

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What happened when two hydrogen atoms collided?

The doctor had to heal-ium.

What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's?

A Doctor.

What do you call a black man with a MD?

A doctor you racist.

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What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?

You're just going to have to be a little patient.

Why did the doctor make an old woman cry?

He lost his patients

Why did Steve Jobs die too soon?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Why did Patrick's girlfriend have to go to the doctor?

She had a weast infection.

Why does Hannibal Lecter skin his colleagues?

He enjoys the taste of Doctors Without Borders.

What did the doctor say to the domestic abuse victim?

See you next "fall".

How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus?

It was a no brainer.

What did the doctor say when a Chinese baby with down syndrome was born?

Congratulations, you have a healthy new baby!

What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer?

Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!"

What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?

A doctor

What did the doctor say when he delivered a blonde-haired baby to an expecting Chinese couple?

Two Wongs don't make a white

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

What does the doctor say after colonoscopy?

See ewwww later!

What do you call two doctors with the same career?

Pair of medics.

Which country do doctors hate?

any

Why did the bee go to the doctor?

Because he had hives Badum tsh

How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing

Why did the doctor go the furniture store?

Because he needed a stool sample.

Why wouldn't the Doctor wait in line?

He had no patients

Why was the doctor annoyed?

Because he didn't have any patients.

What do you call the doctor for dogs?

Dogtor

What did the doctor say to the lizard who was complaining about problems performing in the bedroom?

It sounds like you have a reptile dysfunction.

Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

Because the condition was untweetable.

What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?

A doctor.

Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

What did the doctor say when he saw two fetuses being too affectionate in public?

Get a womb, you two."

Why was the doctor in a hurry to move to the big city?

He was running out of patients.

What do you call a doctor who only swims with his t on?

A Sturgeon

Why did the shark go to the doctors?

Because he didn't feel very whale

What kind of doctor never leaves the hospital?

An Oncologist

Whats the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, Im just a US Air Force Operator.

What do you call a doctor who is always available?

An oncallogist.

Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill?

He had misunderstood the doctor when he said "I do probe Ono."

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman?

The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.

What did the doctor say to the strange beer that walked into his clinic?

What ails you?

What does a duck say when it goes to the doctor?

Quack

Why did a surgeon go to prison?

His medical license was doctored.

What do you call two doctors with colds?

An ironic paradox.

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Suture self!

What did the doctor say to the man that broke his arm?

Be patient

Why was the doctor so stressed out?

He lost his patients...

What do you call a Doctor who received all 'D's in Medical School?

Doctor

What did one doctor say to the other doctor?

We're both doctors"

What did one tonsil say to the other?

Get dressed a doctor is taking us out to night.

How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?

Because they both "practice" their professions.

What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

He removed the appendix!

Why did the cat go to the doctors?

Because it wasn't feline well

Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient?

Now, this may be difficult to hear..."

Why do asians got to the hospital after voting?

Everyone knows that you should see a doctor for an erection that last longer than 4 hours.

Why is an apple a Dalek's favourite fruit?

Because it keeps the Doctor away!

Why did the doctor kick his patients?

He was trying to heel them.

Why did Xmen's Cyclops go to the doctors?

Because he needed laser eye surgery!

Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

Doctor Dolittle

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called?

A Game of Crohn's.

What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?

Barbers.

What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?

Doctors without boarders.

Why doesn't Monica Lewinsky like going to the doctor?

He always shoves a Bill down her throat!

Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?

He had a lot of aspirations.

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