Set Jokes

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

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Why were the Ten Commandments so powerful?

Because they were set in stone.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?

I set WHO free?"

Why does John Cena set his alarm at 1:59?

So he can kick out at 2.

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?

What would you call a set of old school rapper emojis?

Em-OGs

Why are there hardly any dental professionals in the South?

Because it takes more than 35 patients to make a full set of teeth.

What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self-esteem issues?

An insecurity guard

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Why doesn't ISIS appear in any Sci-Fi shows or movies?

because they are set in the future.

What's the easiest sport to get into?

Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.

Why did the clam go to jail?

For setting up illegal shell companies!

What do you call ten thousand pastors setting themselves on fire in protest of marriage equality?

A good start.

Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in?

That's how you set the bar high.

Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson?

Adele. Some one set fire to the train

What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?

You only get presents from one set of grandparents.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Why didn't Oscar Pistorius get a new bathroom door?

Because his wife was dead-set against it...

What do you get when a Game of Thrones character sets up your photo studio?

Stark lighting.

What do you have when you get 32 rednecks in a line?

A full set of teeth

What did the set-up say to the punchline?

You're nothing but a joke.

What kind of education does a horny mathematician impart?

Sets education.

This joke may have profanity.

What's the biggest advantage of being a smoker?

Not having to set aside money for your old age.

What are some easy pranks I can set up in his cubicle?

I don't want to go TOO over the top, and I definitely don't want to actually damage anything. But he has a pretty good sense of humor.

What do you have in a room full of tweakers?

A full set of teeth.

What do you call ten sets of bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?

A start.

How do you make a cat sounds like a dog?

Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. !

What do you get when you move 32 Texans into the same room?

A full set of teeth

How do you set a woman's watch?

You don't, there's already a clock on the stove.

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Douse it in gasoline and set it alight.

Why did the spud lover set his alarm for 8:00?

Because he wanted to get a-po-ta-to clock. to make joke more apparent

Why did Frodo set his phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car?

It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.

What do people say when you win a game in Egypt?

Game, *Set,* and match.

How do you get a woman to pick cotton?

Set her tampon string on fire.

What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?

A: It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.

What happened to the cold jellyfish ?

It set !

What do you get when you put 32 Rednecks in one room?

One full set of teeth.

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if "Thomas the Tank Engine" was set in early-1940s Germany?

ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?

Bernadette!

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

Forty feet of track - all straight!

How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

With dog diskettes!

Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

Because nobody liked it on earth.

What do you get when you put 28 Alabama Sorority girls in one room?

A full set of teeth

Why did the director yell at Kick at the set of Punchkicker 5?

Because he said Punch's line.

How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?

Smack a monster.

Why does the sun set at night?

The moon scares the daylights out of it!

What did the communist say at the beginning of the race?

On your Marx, get set, go!"

What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for?

Around Thevenin the morning

What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven?

I think this is a set up!

What actor touches every girl on set?

David Cop-a-feel

What is robin going to get for Christmas?

An oviposition set

What do you get when you put the entire South Carolina cheerleading team in one room?

A full set of teeth.

What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland?

Paddy O' Furniture

What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea?

An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

What's the slowest thing in the world?

A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend?

Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me Edit: I'm an idiot

How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!

Why did the table love playing volleyball?

Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug Got a set of tweezers as the toy as well. Hours of fun right there.

Why did Frodo set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

What do you call 27 West Virginians?

A full set of teeth.

Why is the set including the square root of 5 and the square root of 4 similar to the set including anarchism and authoritarianism?

They are both unlike radicals.

What do you get with a room full of 32 Alabamans?

A full set of teeth

Why wasn't Euro Disney popular?

Every time they set off the fireworks, the French surrendered.

Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?

Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.

What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth

What do you call a Salmon that sets a good example?

A roe model.

What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution?

Tsar Wars

What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A full set of teeth.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after recovering from a 3-day drinking binge?

I set* ***who*** *free "*

What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas?

Damn near a whole set of teeth.

The punchline often arrives before the set-up.

Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?

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Noah Jokes More Noah Jokes

Why was Noah such a compelling character?

He had a good ark.

Where did Noah keep the Bees?

In the Ark-Hives.

Sort Jokes More Sort Jokes

What's the opposite of "lily white"?

A racist term of some sort.

What did the sorting hat say to the quadriplegic?

Stay here, I'll just go on ahead.

Stone Jokes More Stone Jokes

Why has Stonehenge been there since 2000 BC?

because it's stoned.

What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?

Stone.

Foot Jokes More Foot Jokes

What is the difference between pick and choose?

To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How many groupies does it take to change a light-bulb?

None, they all know someone that does it for them.

How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.

Square Root Jokes More Square Root Jokes

What's the square root of 69?

Ate something.

What's the square root of optimus prime?

I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.

Little Rock Jokes More Little Rock Jokes

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

Buzz Aldrin Jokes More Buzz Aldrin Jokes

What did Neil Armstrong do after walking on the moon before Buzz Aldrin did?

gize.

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.