Snake Jokes

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

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What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

Why don't snakes have legs?

Because otherwise they'd be lizards.

What is a Snake in a Cage ?

The tale of a rat.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A thon

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Why did Snake walk into the bar?

Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

What do snakes take to combat their allergies?

Anti-hissss-tamines!

What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye alright in the back there lads?

What do snakes take for their sniffles?

Antihissssstamines!

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What do you call a stampede of mexicans running away from a snake?

panic

Why was the snake soft?

He had reptile dysfunction.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?

Sleep in the wardrobe !

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ?

Thanks I'll just have a sliver !

What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff?

Baa-Dum-Sss

What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?

Windshield vipers.

What snakes are good at sums ?

Adders !

What kind of snake is good at math?

A: An adder.

What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car?

A windshield viper.

What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake ?

You can make a pet out of a snake !

What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake?

Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.

What did the snake say when another asked him the time ?

Don't asp me !

Why are snakes hard to fool ?

They have no legs to pull !

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ?

A boar constrictor !

What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog ?

A fangfurter !sna

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What subject are snakes good at school ?

Hiss-tory !

Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan?

Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.

What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen ?

A viper !

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

Why don't snakes like Vitamin C?

Because it's an anti-hisstamine.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane?

A boeing constrictor

What do you say when you step on a snake?

Well that bites.

What's a good movie?

Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about " Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

Which snake is the best at counting Nigerians?

A Black Adder

What did the snake say to the cornered rat ?

Hiss is the end of the line for you !

Why don't snakes have balls?

Because hardly any of them know how to dance.

What song to snakes like to sing ?

Viva Aspana !

What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes?

A corn snake

What did one snake say to another ?

Hiss off !

What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set ?

A boa constructor !

What is the difference between an apple and an orange?

None, the two are not a snake

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?

It has a rattle.

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog?

A fangfurther.

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

With love and hisses.

Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching ?

Because he had his own scales !

What's long green and goes hith ?

A snake with a lisp !

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?

Thank you I'll just have a slither.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

What do you call a snake that likes history?

A HISSStorian.

Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake?

Because snakes make lots of strikes.

What sort of perfume do snakes prefer ?

Poison by Christian Dior !

What do snakes have on their bath towels ?

Hiss and Hers !

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

What is an ark?

2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ?

Addercadabra and abradacobra !

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?

Fang mail.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A thon

Why do we measure snakes in inches?

Because they don't have any feet!

What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering?

A Boa Constructor

What snake do get when cross a calculator with a steam engine?

A puff-adder

What do you call a snake on viagra?

Rod!

This joke may have profanity.

Why can't you trust snakes ?

They speak with forked tongues !

What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?

A momma's boa.

What do you call a snake that studies past events?

A HISSSSStorian.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food ?

Snakes and Larders !sna

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply" ?

They couldn't they were adders !

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers ?

Fang letters !

What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?

A:('A jump rope')"

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Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn?

The kernel was looking for him.

What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car?

They pilaf. I'll show my way out

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Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow?

She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.

What do the average woman and kids on a snow day have in common?

They're both hoping for nine inches, but will be happy enough with five.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

Why are guys so bad at math?

They can't tell the difference between 3 inches and 9 inches.

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What would be the best color to make a joke about?

I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?

Why didn't the math professor with a speech impediment get any work done?

He was always mathturbating.

Government Jokes More Government Jokes

Why is the oval office oval shaped?

Because the government cuts corners.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government?

Only one of them is organized.

Lizard Jokes More Lizard Jokes

What kind of lizard goes into salad?

A Salad-Mander! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHILARIOUS

What do you call it when a lizard can't get it up?

Ereptile disfunction

Marriage Jokes More Marriage Jokes

What kind of degree do you inherit through marriage?

A degree in law.

How can Euchre and Marriage be similar?

Sometimes you start out all hearts and diamonds, but end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

Hiss Jokes More Hiss Jokes

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

With love and hisses.

What do you even say to someone like that?

I just hissed at them.