Mean Jokes

How many words can you type a minute?

ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean ME: Well, like for example, pickle

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What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

His desk is level

What does that mean?

More kids tripping in lab coats

What's this?

Me: A napkin holder K: What's a napkin M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty K: You mean like the couch M: ...

What do you mean ?

Well she turned up the Minster turned up but the groom didn't !

What are your intentions?

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

What does it mean....?

He said, nag,nag,nag,nag!

What's her favorite song?

I'm Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas

How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair?

Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking.

Why did Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond never get a divorce?

She didn't want an ex Ray Edit: I meant debra

How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?

The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

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How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.

What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff

Where's your wedding ring?

I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."

Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea?

I mean cry me a river river right

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

Where are the groceries?

ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

What do you mean, ten?

Ten years Ten months Ten-" "Nine... Eight..."

How do Freudians describe the human mind?

As a huge ENEMA, I mean huge enigma.....

How is everything?

ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza?

You can't figure it out I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.

Where'd you go?

Him: "You meant with you "

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?

He was a rough rider!

What exactly does BYOB mean?

Bring your own beer" Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

Why don't tennis players get married?

Because to them love means nothing.

What does it mean when the Post Office flag is flying at half-staff?

They are hiring.

What letter should you avoid?

The letter A because it makes men mean.

Where's the nearest cycle path you meant?

Thought you said psychopath.

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

One tenth " Good, now what does 10% mean "Battery low, plug in your phone " Perfect

What does your mother do for a living?

She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."

What does it mean when a chameleon cant change color?

Reptile - disfunction

What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction?

Jail break.

What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?

The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected

Who's there ! Cricket ! Cricket who ?

Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !

How was I supposed to know they meant combined?

They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old

What'd you have for breakfast?

Me: A bowl of Oreos. CW: Lol you mean Cherrios Me: No.

What do you mean I can't drink alcohol with this medication?

You're not a bartender! You're just a pharmacist.

What did the Black owner of the BMW do to deserve jail?

You mean, black people have to DO something to deserve jail p.s I know I am going dowwwnn for this

Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

What do you mean, Johnny?

Is it shaped like a peanut " "No," says Johnny. "It's salty"

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows Me covering tub of dead birds: is that the saying

What's the difference between a baby and a politician?

Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.

When someone says something was made with "love" what exactly does that mean?

Did they jerk one off into the center of my cupcake

What drives you?

Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus

How much is half of 8?

Pupil: Up and down or across Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!

When someone ask me... How are you?

I answer back... You mean in bed

What does it mean if you look down and see four balls instead of two?

Careful, you might be getting screwed.

What's your cell phone?

iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that.

Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks

What can I do to stop my addiction?

She said, "Whatever means necessary." "No it doesn't," I said.

What other miracles can you do?

Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish ' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

How do you know statisticians are always serious?

They mean what they say.

What do you mean the school must be haunted ?

Daughter: Well the principal kept going on about the school spirit.

What exactly is that?

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Why were you late ?

Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !

What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?

Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

How do you spell ichael?

The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

How do you seize the means of production?

By overthrowing the bourgeoisie

What u doing later?

Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?

Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."

What are the four elements?

Pupil: Fire Earth Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet Pupil: Well Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net I'm in my element.

Where's your better half?

The PS4's at home "No I mean-" Where WOULD it be Wow, dumb question.

What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

What is the meaning of afford?

It's the car most sales representatives drive.

What does COINCIDENCE' mean?

Student Funny, I was just going to ask you that.

Whatya doin?

Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST

What are your expectations?

Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job Me : Salary

What qualifies as a "short stack" of pancakes?

I mean, 2.5 feet is relatively short, right Yes Okay cool. Then I just ate a short stack.

What is the French verb that means "To declare war"?

Surrendre*

What rhymes with left and means steal?

theft

What does TTYL mean?

I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean "

What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?

What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

Which one!?

I mean let me see your license

Why don't tennis players ever get married?

Because love means nothing to them.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

What's a penguins favourite relative?

Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME makes flies over head motion PENGUIN I don't know what that means

What's faster than a black man with your TV?

His son with your DVD player! I mean no racism in this joke*

What do you mean you were really drunk?

I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.

Why do tennis players never get married?

Because Love means nothing to them.

What do you mean you can't sleep?

It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*

What did the aardvark say to Noah?

What do you mean you only brought two ants!

How many Amish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One... I mean, they aren't fucking retarded.

This joke may have profanity.

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What the 0 said to the 8 ?

Nice belt, dude !

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What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

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What the hell is that?

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How many balls does Fred have?

10

What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

Nothing, she just made gagging noises

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How do you write an essay that blows people away?

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Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

To remind them why there's no money in it

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Why did the storm trooper decide to buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the right droid he was looking for.

Why did the fisherman decide to go fishing?

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Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

Who played Gandalf in the Islamic version of Lord of the Rings?

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What do you call a word with two W's and one K?

Awkward.

What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?

Cloning.

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How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub?

100. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.

Why do women talk so much?

Because they have 4 lips.