Ask Jokes

Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

What did the super-strong chlorella ask the moderately-weak chlorella?

Do you even algae-bruh?

What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?

Hula the dogs out?

What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

Quit being nosey.

How do you get a Canadian to pay you back?

You ask.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......

What does aerosmith say when someone asks them for directions?

Walk this way

What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit?

When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

Bro sure!

Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

How can you tell if a girl is under 18?

Ask her if she is a Bernie Sanders supporter.

What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

How can you ask a Mexican if their zodiac sign is leo?

Julio

What is the first question you ask a baby cow, after its gotten over an illness?

How are you vealing?

How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

When Does This White Privilege Thing Kick In?

Do I have to ask them to resend the authentication email, update my address or do I have to go to my local white privilege depot to request the trial edition of white privilege before I get the real thing?

What did the kid ask the Pirate?

Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"

What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

I'm just asking for a friend)

What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?

Namaste.

What do you calla brown guy that asks a lot of question?

A curry-ous guy

What did the pot-smoking alien say when asked what toppings he wanted on his sammich?

Ayy lil' mayo.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

What's the difference between an Elephant and a post box?

Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.

What do you get if you cross goat DNA with human DNA?

I don't know, ask the Arabs!

What did Jared say when the girl asked him for a footlong?

That he only has a 6 inch.

How do you fire a Chinese cook?

Ask him to take wok.

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

What was Ryu's response when someone asked if they could have his autograph?

Sure you can!"

What do you get when you ask for a Roman pinch hitter?

An Italian sub!

Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?

Nah. I'ma stay.

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

Check, mate!

Why did Tina Fey cross the road ?

To get another Golden Globe. Tina Fey walks into the Tina Fey,the Tina Fey asks "How can i Tina Fey you ?to which Tina Fey reply,"Ah just give me a Tina Fey" and then leaves with a Golden Globe. Unbreakable is good.

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

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How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."

What did the Elephant say while scolding her children?

Tusk Tusk I am so sorry

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Why did Chandler play the blues as loud as he could?

He wanted to harm monica.

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

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