Man Jokes

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What happened to the girl who went fishing with a group of men?

She returned home with a red snapper.

Why are men like paper cups?

They're disposable

How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water they lack taste and they need dough.

Why do women love men who work with Horses?

Because those men have got Stable jobs.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug Got a set of tweezers as the toy as well. Hours of fun right there.

What did the man say when he walked into a milk bar?

Can I grab some milk *Bah dum tsss*

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.

What have men and spray paint in common?

One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why do girls make a "shhhhh" noise while peeing and men don't?

Cos men have a 6 inch silencer.

What do you call a man who excels at fishing?

A master baiter

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship?

Let's get on the ship, men!

How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money furs and diamonds.

Why can't rock climbing instructors get dates?

Because they rappel men and women.

What do you call a man with 6,022 x 1023 dollars?

A Moleionaire

How can a man go eight days without sleep?

No problem , He sleeps at night.

What do you call a man who cuts down trees?

A tree feller.

What's the difference between a man on a unicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a bicycle wearing a tank top?

Attire.

What happens when Lucy starts using 100% of her brain?

She's almost as smart as a man.

Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks?

So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they're practicing to be men.

What do you call a man who rides his camel backwards?

Lawrence of Dublin.

What is the common trait between men and snow?

You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

What did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself?

I can't even...

What is something a woman hates about a man but a man would love about a woman?

Premature ejactulation.

How is that a problem?

The man says, "I don't wake up until 10:30."

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?

Pete.

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !

Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?

It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.

Why did the man wear a frog for a condom?

So he was ribbit for her pleasure.

How many men does it take to mop the floor?

Answer: None it's a women's job.

What do you call a man who is too proud of his balls ?

Ego-Testicle.

What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?

A Dairy Heir.

How is a man and a 45 degree angle alike?

Neither of them are ever right.

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ?

He had to get a new goat !

How much has this man had to drink?

Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

Why did the man sleep after being run over by a car?

Because he got tired.

How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess?

How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men

How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?

It's not there.

What are the three types of men?

A: The handsome the caring and the majority.

Why do women make such horrible capenters?

Because for years men have telling them that ---------------- is 8 inches long.

How can a man go 7 days without sleeping?

Sleep at night

What do you call a man who cleans your house?

Dustin.

Who's the man who, with just the slightest touch- gives you chills and makes you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?

Space

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

What do men dream of?

Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike?

Attire

What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

How can you tell if a man is happy?

A. Who cares

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.

Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?

Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

Why are men afraid of the world?

They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

Why did the man lost in the woods catch fire?

He was heading west.

Who is your favorite X-Man?

Mine is Bruce Jenner

What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?

A man holding an aardvark.

Why did a man throw his breakfast out the window?

He was a cereal defenestrator.

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

What'll happen if a piano is dropped on a man?

He will B flat

What letter should you avoid?

The letter A because it makes men mean.

Why couldn't Robin play cricket?

Because he lost his bat, man.

How can you tell God is a man?

If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate

What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?

A branch manager.

What did the man get when he shop lifted a calander?

12 months

What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?

Hiking

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

Why did the man put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

What do you give to a man who has everything?

Penicillin

Why are men better cooks than women?

Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.

What do Irish feminists call men?

O'Pressors

What do you call A man doing Laundry?

Non-existent

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous?

It fro's up.

What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ?

Lou !

What did one fly say to the other?

your man is down'

What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?

He's resisting a rest!"

What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

Gold digging

What is an Actor?

A man who tries to be everything but himself

Why was the man arrested at the farmers' market?

He was caught taking a leek.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

3.99 a minute.

Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp?

I don't know man. I just fly the drones.

What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray!

Why did the snowman leave his wife?

Because she got plowed by another man.

Why does the man go to the beach when he's hungry?

Because of the sand which is there.

What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?

A chauffeur.

Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg?

Because he always uses a razor.

What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

Irish handcuffs.

What do you do when you see a space man?

Park your car, man.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows it's never happened.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?

He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.

Why women mature faster than men?

Because men start growing breasts only after 40 years old.

How does a woman apologize to a man?

I'm sorry, but it's your fault.

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Jail Jokes More Jail Jokes

Where do lemons go to jail?

Lemonworth

Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?

Because it needs bailing out.

Person Jokes More Person Jokes

How much for the petting zoo?

Person: What *Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

How do you call a person that speaks only one language?

An American

Sale Jokes More Sale Jokes

Why does Barbie hate Amazon?

because they're always putting sales out on ken-dolls.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we've been through this, our cashiers aren't for sale.

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

What's black and white that small children no longer need worry about?

Michael Jackson

What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.

Canopy Jokes More Canopy Jokes

What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

Why do toucans only go camping in pairs?

So they can bring two canopies.

Rob Jokes More Rob Jokes

What happened to the Greek dairy farmer who got robbed on his way to market?

He was un-feta-ed of his cheese.

Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

Price Jokes More Price Jokes

What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up?

A: They went on stroke.

What do you call a lazy fan of the old Price is Right?

a Barker Lounger !

Blue House Jokes More Blue House Jokes

Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!

Who lives there?

The yellow man lives in the yellow house. The purple man lives in the purple house. The red man in the red house. And the blue man in the blue house. So who lives in the White House? The black man. It's better in person, I'm so sorry.