Pick Jokes

How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural selection.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How does a black women know if she's pregnant?

All the cotton on her tampon has been picked off.

How do you pick up my ex girlfriend?

With a broom and a dustpan.

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

Why was the Bhut Jolokia picked to be the captain of the cheer squad?

Because it was the hottest pepper.

What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?

Garbage gets picked up!

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works then. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.

What's the best thing about Sweden?

I can't pick, but their flag is a huge plus.

What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?

Plot Holders.

What did the muslim telemarketer say when he picked up the phone?

Halal?

How do you pick out the Christian Terrorist out of a crowd?

Find the guy wearing a rebel flag.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why couldn't the whistleblower pick up his dry-cleaning?

Because he was Snowden! (Snowed in)

How can you tell if a black women is pregnant?

Put a tampon in her, take it out and see if the cottons picked off.

How do you confuse a polish laborer?

Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Why didn't Mick Jagger pick Randy Moss up from the airport?

Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

Where's the best place to pick up a girl who plays hard-to-get?

Around the ankles and wrists :D

How do cannibals pick up women?

With a fork

Why did the egg get a ticket from a lady police officer?

Because he was picking up good vibrations.

How do you confuse an irishman?

Lean 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

What does dog poo and women have in common ?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Why do Eskimos have wide noses?

Because they pick their nose with their gloves on.

How do you pick up a black guy?

With a noose.

What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus?

nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton.

Why wouldn't the race car driver pick up the hitchhiker?

Because he didn't have enough vroom!

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't care. You pick

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue. ba dum tss

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

What do black birds pick?

CAAAAAAAH-tin...

What do women and turds have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Why don't black people stain white clothes when they pick them up?

Their palms are white.

This joke may have profanity.

What was the terrorist's pick up line?

hey babe, I've got a large pipe bomb and I never pre-maturely detonate."

Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

Why do rappers love weed so much?

Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it

How do you pick up Mexican Girls?

Border Patrol.

How can you tell if you're racist?

You only pick out the K's when you take an eye exam.

What do you get when you mix a Mexican with an octopus?

I dont know, but it sure as hell can pick apples.

How do you call a dog with no legs ?

You don't call it, you pick it up.

Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?

Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...

What do you get when you mix an octopus with a black guy?

Idk but it sure as hell can pick cotton

What did the fisherman from Boston say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

How do you pick up older Spanish women?

Hola Seniority

What's your favorite pick up line?

Mine is the Ford F Series.

How can a black woman tell if she is pregnant?

When she goes to pull out her tampon and all the cotton's been picked.

Where do beers go to pick up girls?

Ho Gardens

What did the crop say to the Farmer?

Why are you picking on me?

Why do pills bottles have cotton in them?

So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.

What did the elephant say to the man?

Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

How did Canada get its name?

They picked random letters out of a hat. C.... eh? N... eh? D....eh?

What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"

Why does New York have all the lawyers while New Jersey got all the garbage dumps?

New Jersey got to pick first

Why was the paleontologist angry?

Because he had a bone to pick.

How can you tell a black lady is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

What was the bear's favourite pick-up line?

Hey baby, what's ursine?

Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

Answer: to hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados

What are you looking for buddy?

Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

Where can you go to pick up black birds?

The crow bar

What is Weird Al Yankovic's favorite pick up line?

Hey, so are you familiar with my parodies? Yeah my PAIR O DEEZ NUTS!!!

Why did Johnny Bravo go to the pet store?

To pick up some chicks.

How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.

Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

Why are ska bands so clean?

They always pick it up pick it up pick it up.

How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to drop it and six to pick it up pick it up pick it up

Why don't Mexicans blow their noses?

So that they have something to pick in the off-season.

What is your funniest joke about the French?

Mine is this: How do you pick out the Frenchmen in a room full of naked soldiers? They're the ones with sunburned armpits.

What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?

It doesn't matter where you drop them off.

What is the difference between pick and choose?

To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

What is the mathematician's favorite pick-up line?

Hey baby, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?

How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?

Three; one to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up pick it up!"

What is the best thing about liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.

Whats your best "This is so bad that " joke?

For example, "this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes."

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

How does a black woman know that she's pregnant?

The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons. (aaannnd i'll see myself out)

How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.

Why did the forgetful Mexican cross the road?

To get to the other side... err, no it was to pick up the laundry... nope, to get groceries? I forget.

What defies the law of gravity?

Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What did the booger say to the finger?

Pick on someone your own size.

What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game?

Pick Six

Why did black people pick so much cotton?

Because we told them to.

How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?

I don't know, but it's damn good at picking cotton.

How do you know a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out the tampon, the cotton's been picked clean.

How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?

When you pull out her tampon and all the cotton is picked.

Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?

So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.

Who picks up the tab?

The German.

Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?

if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.

Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake ?

Someone else's !

How the hell can ya be so stupid?

Jessie: Well it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.

Who is the richest person in the Bible?

The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

How can a man take an abortion pill?

He just picks one up and leaves.

This joke may have profanity.

How is the American public now like Socrates?

By November, they will have both picked their poison.

How do you pick up a feminist?

Like a bowling ball.

How do you pick out the extroverted engineer?

He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read..........

How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?

Like what if you find a penny

Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car?

It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.

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Sort Jokes More Sort Jokes

How do you sort out Ant and Dec?

Squash one and deal with the other later.

What sort of undergarments does a succinct pugilist wear?

Boxer briefs!

Captain Jokes More Captain Jokes

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captains log

What will you find in the toilet of a ship?

The captains log.

New Jersey Jokes More New Jersey Jokes

Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got to choose first

What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?

Garbage gets picked up!

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

Whats the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through his opening monologue without laughing

What's the difference between my daughter and my driveway?

I don't want to plow my driveway

Foot Jokes More Foot Jokes

What do you say to a molecular biologist who's about to step foot into the ring?

Show him what you're made of!

Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair?

Because if they had pulled them by their feet they would have filled up with mud

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?

I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

What type of gun do time travelers use?

A Clock-18

Wish Foundation Jokes More Wish Foundation Jokes

How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural selection.

What do you call three Make-a-Wish Foundation kids?

A genie.

Mexican Jokes More Mexican Jokes

What do you call five Mexicans on the bottom of a pool?

Sinko :D

What do you call a place where Mexicans go to the bathroom?

A deport-a-potty.