Need Jokes

A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

What's the difference between LSD and my dad?

LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Why did the blonde freeze a pot of boiling water?

Because you never know when you're going to need some boiling water.

Why are nuns like a brand new TV?

You need a knife to get in the box.

How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?

None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.

What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

Why did the math student fail his exam?

He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)

What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date?

I need a punchline for a joke.....What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date? OK GO!

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't need to, they glow in the dark...

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

What did the perverted scientist say to his colleague?

If you need me, I'll be in my Lab.

What's your emergency?

Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

What did the vowel say when it had to go to the bathroom?

I need to do a vowel movement!

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

Nothing, as he didn't exist. The probability of anyone in that demographic reaching their eighties is particularly low, and an active pirate being eighty one years of age is further rendered a statistical impossibility given that a pirate would need to be above a certain threshold in terms of physical ability.

What do Jaqen H'ghar from Game of Thrones and Christina Aguilera have in common?

They both know "what a girl wants" and "what a girl needs".

Why didn't the mason jar need a paternity test?

Because the resemblance was uncanny.

How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

One. We're efficient not funny!

What Did The Dying Gambler Say To His Wife?

10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank"

What did the triangle need to do before he could get a loan?

He needed somebody to cosine.

How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

What are some good fruit jokes?

My friend is doing a video project for school and needs fruit jokes.

Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with one hand?

She needs the other to moan.

What did the thirsty Spanish pirate say?

I need some arrrrrrrrrrrgua!

Whatcha got, reddit?

I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

Why did the baker get smelly fingers?

Because he needed a poo.

Why do we need to go to college?

Student: Why do we need to go to college? Teacher: So we can get a high paying job Student: Why do we need a high paying job Teacher: So we can get lots of money Student: Why do we need lots of money Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans

What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years?

Second gear.

Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers?

They needed a developer.

Why did the cellphone go to court?

Because it was charged with battery.

What is the magic word?

son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case

Where do I start cleaning!?

5mins later* Me: I need a new room.

Who is that walking up my driveway?

Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."

How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

What time do kids need naps?

A: At whine o'clock.

Who's there ! Courtney Pine ! Courtney Pine who ?

Courtney Pine tables I need a new one !

Who needs whips and chains?

Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Why did he do that?

Who is she What does that mean When did that happen Why How I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema

What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

Nah brah, tadah brah!

How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?

You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)

What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets?

The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.

What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.

What room does a ghost not need?

A living room

Why is PBS asking me for money?

If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.

Why do you need all this syrup?

The government worker says: "That's mollasified."

Why do Canadian cops not need to wear body cameras?

Because Tim Hortons already has cameras!

How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.

Why do we need to be learned English?

Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"

How do you get in with a pretty nurse?

You need to be patient.

What's your favourite Pixar film?

Up, yours " "No need to be like that I was only asking"

Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

How many feminists you need to change a lamp?

That's not funny..."

What did the baseball manager do when he needed another man in the bullpen?

He took a can of orange juice from the freezer and made a pitcher.

How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?

Just a phew!

Where the hell are you going with those balloons?

4yr: I need to wee! Me: With balloons ! 4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks?

Because he got a hole in one!

What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits?

He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.

Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?

Because you only need one arm to drum along..

What did Frankenstein's monster say when he was struck by lightning?

Thanks I needed that.

What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire?

That he needed to address the situation

Why did Yoda need a stepladder in the chocolate shop?

Because he was reaching for a galaxy far, far away.

Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

Why did the computer need Viagra?

Because it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk.

This joke may have profanity.

Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?

wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!

Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

What's Wayne Static's relationship with drugs?

I SEE IT!** ooooohh **I NEED IT!**(https://www.youtube.com/watch v=Ps0MfBG5-Uo#t=1m24s)

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

I need some space.

Why did Napoleon return from exile?

He needed more Elba room.

What do you need to fix it?

Asparagus. (A spare, I guess)

What does a pimp do when his garden needs tending?

He grabs a hoe.

How many psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb is going to need to change itself.

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ?

Ten ants !

How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?

About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

Why are thedonald users not cucks?

First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with.

Why don't women need watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?

He just needed some space.

How many Mexicans do you need to change a Lightbulb?

Juan.

Why did the football team take the short bus to the game?

They needed more downs.

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Because he was scared of a Lil' Wayne.

What do Koreans need when they take out the dog?

Oven mitts

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

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Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

Why did the train go left?

Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.

What are your go to jokes?

I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?

Teacher Jokes More Teacher Jokes

What do you call the teacher who's late?

Mister bus

What did the teacher call her intelligent yet self-harming student?

Her scar pupil.

Church Jokes More Church Jokes

Why do you never see any bugs in a church?

Because they are in sects.

Why do churches ban Wifi Networks?

Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.

Jail Jokes More Jail Jokes

Why did the rope go to jail?

Because he was knotty

Why was the Energizer Bunny jailed?

On charges of battery.

Steal Jokes More Steal Jokes

What did the chemist say when he caught his brother stealing halogens?

Bro, mine

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

Light Bulb Jokes More Light Bulb Jokes

How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.