Need Jokes

Why is French body armour so cheap?

They only need it for their back

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How many spoiled rich girls does it take... ...to change a light bulb?

Just one, she yells, "DAAAAADDY, I need a new house!"

Why did Dracula need medicine?

Because he was coffin.

Why did Eddie Vedder take the fiber supplements?

He needed to have an Even Flow.

What does the twitter bird do when it needs money?

It goes to Twerk!

How many girls a boy need to shoot a school?

None.

How many Mexicans do you need to change a Lightbulb?

Juan.

Why did the football team take the short bus to the game?

They needed more downs.

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Because he was scared of a Lil' Wayne.

Who do you call when you need a dock fixed?

A docktor.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What do Koreans need when they take out the dog?

Oven mitts

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?

You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good' " first.

Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?

It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.

What kind of dog always needs a shave?

A bearded collie!

Why do mice need oiling ?

Because they squeak !

How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful. Me: Do I need to put makeup on Him: Maybe just a... *stare* Him: No.

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

You only need a nail to hang a painting.

What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

It depends how strong you throw them

What do you need 4 dollars for?

3's enough. Here's 2." and gives him 1.

How many things do you need to change a lightbulb?

3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb

What type of fish needs to be tuned?

Tune a fish

What's grey and never needs ironing ?

A drip dry elephant !

What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

Why do need it at work?

It's all I do. "WHAT " I said, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Why was the bakers bread so expensive?

He needed the dough.

Why did the school boy need Viagra?

He was having trouble getting up in the morning.

This joke may have profanity.

What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?

A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.

Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

How is everything?

ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Who's there ! Cameron ! Cameron who ?

Cameron film are needed to take pictures !

Why doesn't the sun need to go to University?

He's too bright.

What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ?

Cats can't drive !

What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

What does Leia say when she needs help?

I think I could use a Han here.

Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

Where did the fish go when it needed an operation?

To the sturgeon

Why did God make man before woman?

You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

What's a VCR?

My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.

What pillar doesn't need holding up ?

A caterpillar !

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Hell you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How many..." How many blacks do you need to start a riot?

Minus one.

Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

Who takes the best selfies in LA?

I need someone good to do mine.

What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?

A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

What did the depressed dolphin say?

I need a porpoise.

Why do we need art?

Because the Earth without art is just "Eh".

Why do I need the life vest?

Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.

What would happen if all Chinese people jumped off a chair, all at the same time?

I don't know either, but you would need a reeeally big chair!

What about the aliens from space?

We need a ROOF!

How many girlfriend does a white boy need to shoot a school?

None.

Why did the hotel manager refuse to rent his rooms out to people?

He needed places to hide the bodies.

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

Why do I need a wingman?

How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid

How long is the movie?

I need to know what time to pick her up.

What vegetable needs a plumber?

A leek.

Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date?

Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb?

You don't need to, they glow in the dark.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change Why do we need change (It's cool, I go to a Lutheran church)

How many black people do you need to start a riot?

Negative 1.

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

It doesn't need cleaning.

Why you need that?

You already have a wheelchair.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?

Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

What colour pants do you need to start a vehicle?

Khaki

Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long?

I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

Who is not buying this

What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?

You know you need a psychiatrist!

What about Asians and Hispanics?

What they really need is Nonwhitepeoplemeet.com

What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

Where are you and Mom going tonight?

Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police?

Because he needed *arrest*!!!

Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?

Because they needed to be ad-dressed!

Why do we need to die?

chickens

How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?

A Terra Bite

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Why did the pie go to the dentist?

It needed a filling.

Why were you late ?

Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !

How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one but you're not quite sure why.

Why did the Energizer Bunny need to lawyer up?

He was charged with battery.

What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common?

NEED MORE GAINS

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why are hands so important?

You always need them for thumb finger another.

Why are modern women more likely to pursue a STEM degree?

They need to learn scientific notation to keep track of their n-count.

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

Why does a cow need a bell?

Because its horn doesn't work.

What's black and white that small children no longer need worry about?

Michael Jackson

What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"?

This needs to happen.

Why is the white girl so odd?

Because she can't even. I'll be over in /r/dadjokes if you need me.

Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?

Because it needs bailing out.

What did God say to Noah?

Make a backup, I need to re-format this."

How many good deeds do you need to be called a superhero?

Because If it's one or less, I'm totally there.

What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?

What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

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Psychologist Jokes More Psychologist Jokes

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.

What's the difference between a psychologist and a groundskeeper?

One you need for a rough patch, the other you need to patch your rough.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What do you call a joke that is based on a misunderstanding?

Ironic

What do you call a joke that gets posted over and over again on reddit?

Al-redi-reddi-tt.

Note Jokes More Note Jokes

What are the similarities between a donkey and a Sikh?

They both look incredibly cute when they are little. They both grow up and go into the transportation business. Note: sikhs - or sardarji as they are commonly known in india - are the largest ethnic group in the truck driver profession. Punjabi food is available on highways across the country.

What's the difference between a pun and a copy of Cliff's Notes?

A pun is a play on words, while Cliff's notes are a word on plays

Church Jokes More Church Jokes

What happened to the guy who farted in church?

He sat in his own pew.

What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables?

Lettuce pray.

College Loan Jokes More College Loan Jokes

Why isn't there a college in the world of Harry Potter?

Because even Magic can't pay your college Loan

Why do we need to go to college?

Student: Why do we need to go to college? Teacher: So we can get a high paying job Student: Why do we need a high paying job Teacher: So we can get lots of money Student: Why do we need lots of money Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

How is a man and a 45 degree angle alike?

Neither of them are ever right.

Who's at fault ?

the man, he should't have been driving in the kitchen.;3

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin?

Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays

How does a composer remember which groceries to buy?

She writes a Chopin Liszt.

Patience Jokes More Patience Jokes

Why did the doctor lose his job?

He lost his patience

Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.