Sheep Jokes

They just wanna be loved by ewe. Made up this joke/pun at work the other day (I'm sure I'm not the first), decided to subject you all to it. All apologies to shepherds who are not physical with your sheep.

Why did the Scot screw the sheep on the edge of a cliff?

So it would push back.

Why do Scots wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why do the Irish wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?

Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)

Why does Yoda like sheep?

Because dey go baa...

What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post?

The leisure centre.

What did the Shepard say when he saw the sheep?

I herd that!"

Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What's the best way to milk a sheep?

Ask Apple.

What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming?

My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar?

Ew.

What does a sheep in denial say?

Nahhhh

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ?

A merry Christmas to ewe

What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff?

Baa-Dum-Sss

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

Why couldn't the spotty cat chase the sheep?

Because her Mum wouldn't leopard be a shepherd

What did Medusa call the sheep she turned to stone?

Baaaaasalt

Why do Scotsmen screw their sheep by the side of a cliff?

Because they push back harder.

What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep ?

A sheep that can round itself up !

How do sheep divide candy?

They all get their fair shear

What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend?

Baaaaaeeeee!

How do sheep sign their e-mails?

Ewes sincerely.

What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

How do you milk a sheep and make a profit?

Remove the audio jack

How do you milk sheep?

A: With iPhone accessories.

How do you milk a sheep?

With iPhone periph**e**rals.

What did the sheep at the fraternity say?

Braaaaaaaah

What's the difference between sheep and women?

The Welsh don't know yet either.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A chocolate BAAA

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort ?

The Baaahaaamaaas !

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Why should you always tend sheep near a hospital?

Because at any moment they could bleet out

What did Jesus say to the flock of sheep?

I herd that.

What would Vincent Van Gogh be if he was a sheep?

Lamb Gogh

What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence?

Mountin' time

Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?

They saw what happened to the sheep

What do you hear when a sheep blows up?

Sis boom baa Carnac

Why did the sheep move house?

The neighbours were baaastsrds.

Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?

A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"

What did the sheep obsessed convict say to Jared Fogle?

I have a footlong waiting for **ewe** back in my cell!!!!

What rating did Moody's give to the sheep?

BAAA

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?

A sheep.

Why did the sheep jump into the lake?

A: He wanted to take a ba-a-a-th.

Why do they carry Marines around on Naval ships?

Because sheep would be too obvious.

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

Why are the sheep in Africa coloured pink?

The elephants are using them as tampons

Why Do Scottish people wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?

A bah-humbug.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baa-baa shop.

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Storm Jokes More Storm Jokes

What do you call a Cloyster that wants to learn the move Rain Dance?

The clam before the storm!

Why aren't you mowing the lawn?

Link: It's raining Z: No it's not L: *Plays Song of Storms* Z: You're sleeping with Epona tonight

Divide Jokes More Divide Jokes

Why can a number divided by zero never be found in the dictionary?

Because it's undefined.

How do you teach a girl math?

Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and watch her multiply.

Sheep Farmer Jokes More Sheep Farmer Jokes

What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?

Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

How does a sheep farmer find a sheep on top of the mountain ?

Acceptable

Elephant Jokes More Elephant Jokes

How does an elephant get out of a small car ?

The same way that he got in !

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals?

Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

What's the difference between a fox and a dog?

About 7 beers.

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

Scottish Jokes More Scottish Jokes

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

What do you call a Scottish man with no arms and no legs?

a bell.

Gorilla Jokes More Gorilla Jokes

What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons?

Kong-fu

When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land?

Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!

Sheep Jokes

How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

What do you call the offspring of a sheep and a gorilla?

What did one sheep say to the other?

What did the sheep use to shave before his wedding?

What do elephants use for tampons?

What do you call sheep in the Middle East?

Why does ISIS like sheep?

What does an Elephant use as a tampon?

What do you get if you combine a sheep and a kangaroo?

What did the sheep say to the farmers crop?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?

What did the sheep say to the sheepdog faking deafness?

How did the sheep get a Nobel Prize?

What do you call a sheep taking Ambien?

Why did the drunk guy call the sheep Legolas?

What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like?

What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under each arm?

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep?

Why do sheep love Star Wars Episode V?

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

How do you make a sheep jump off a cliff?

What do you call a sheep giving birth in a bedroom?

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a robot?

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

What do you call a sheep with no legs ?

Why would somebody punch a sheep?

What did the walking staff say when accused of misleading sheep?

What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep?

What do you call a big cat disguised to blend in with a herd of sheep?