Come Jokes

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Why was no at the Premature Ejaculaters' support group when I arrived?

I came early.

What does Jerry Sandusky and a Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind!

What do Kodak film and John Lennon have in common?

They both came in a yellow box

What do Harvard and a virgin have in common?

You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.

Why are the buses in London red?

You'd be too if you came every 10 minutes.

What did the Chinese man say when Winter came around?

Reddit snow, reddit snow, reddit snow!

What's white and drips from the cloud?

The coming of the Lord.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

Which mafia boss came with all the dlc?

John Goty

What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"?

I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.

How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?

A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?

A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out?

Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?

Sir, she came in with you!"

Why did the Kurd bury his music collection?

His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."

What is your favorite one to two line joke?

Keep em coming boys and gals. This is making my 15 car ride way better!

What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?

Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!

What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?

He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."

How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along?

Sew sew

What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?

A. The cold shoulder.

Why did you leave your last job?

I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?

Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!

How do I look?

I just came back from the beauty salon.... Husband - Well. Was it closed

What stopped winter from coming?

Winterfell and it can't get up.

What did the seamen say to his friend?

It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.

Why did 8 break up with 7?

Because 7 always came first!!!

What do you think about the coming battle General?

God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

Who went into a witche's den and came out alive ?

The witch !

When finding out he was into beastiality, what did Robocop say to Schrodinger's cat?

Dead or alive, you're coming with me

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call an arrogant convict coming down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

A: Highway 55.

What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

How was 9/11 an inside job?

If the planes came from the outside.

Who came up with hugs?

The very first hug must have been really creepy. "What are you doing Why are you holding me " "Just trust me."

Why did the snowman smile?

Because the snowblower is coming.

What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white?

So he can tell if he's coming or going.

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?

On their feet!

What made the vampire a gentlemen?

They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

What did Caesar say when was in agreement?

I came. I saw. I concurred.

How Pokemon go came to be Customers: "Niantic, can we have 151 Pokemon?

Niantic: "147 Pokemon You want to have 145 Pokemon ! What are you going to do with 142 Pokemon !"

What else did Lochte say after the truth came out?

This did not go swimmingly at all

Why do people call the deceased "late"?

They aren't late.. They aren't coming.

What Are you braging about?

I came from Chernobyl, I had a tail!

Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

because Santa came early! I'll let myself out.

What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?

Take me to your liter!

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees?

A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it's funny)

What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !

What did they say about the blind man who got hit by a bus?

He never saw it coming.

Who's there ! Ahmed ! Ahmed who ?

Ahmed a big mistake coming here !

What type of person does cocaine after taking a shot?

A linebacker I came up with this on the toilet... Hope it's not old.

What happens when everything's coming your way?

Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

What, really?

I said. "Yes, they're coming to pick you up in an hour"

What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar?

Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

How are your English lessons coming along?

Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?

A smell that keeps coming back!

What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?

Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

This joke may have profanity.

What came first the car or the wheel?

The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.

What side of the American flag are the stars on?

Both sides. Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.

Why do clairvoyants have crystal balls?

So they can see what's coming.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

Look out for the mice!

Why did users stop coming to r/jokes?

Because their jokes weren't very funny.

Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?

AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language

What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?

Answer: "I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha! :)

What does the baker turned counterfeiter say?

I make my own dough". My sister Katie came up with this one.

What works better than anti-depressants?

A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.

Why aren't you working?

Me: I didn't see you coming!

What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet

What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?

my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

1/6 G My 8 year old son came up with this one.

How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

What's white & falls from the sky?

The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

What's White &amp Gooey and Rains Down From the Sky?

The coming of the Lord.

Why did vegan cross the road?

Because chicken came to his side.

Who's there ! Alexander ! Alexander who ?

Alexander friend are coming over !

Why wasn't Michael Jackson allowed to perform at the children's hospital?

Because he is dead. ((I came up with this joke when I was very tired.))

Why did the cookie get fired from his job?

He came to work baked.

What do pimples and catholic priests have in common?

They both start coming on boys' faces around age 13.

Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak?

He kept coming out of no where

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