Lose Jokes

Why was the doctor so stressed out?

He lost his patients...

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What does a girl from Arkansas say when she loses her virginity?

Get off me paw, you're crushing my smokes."

Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his court case?

He hadn't got a leg to stand on.

Why did little Johnny lose his ice cream?

He got his by a bus. My little brother just told me this!

Which is the worst hand to lose?

The second one.

What's the quickest way to lose pounds?

The UK National Lottery!

Who do you give a lost gun to?

The rifle owner.

Why did the banker resign?

His customers lost interest in him.

Why does Lichtenstien never lose a race?

Because nothing is faster then Liecht!

Why did North Korea lose Internet?

Because they switched to Comcast.

Why did China lose WW2?

Because their weapons were made in China

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Where to dogs who lost their tails go?

To a retail store.

What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with?

Smoked Muenster.

What do you call a nun lost in the woods?

A Roamin Catholic.

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

The retail store!

What does a 12 year old redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?

Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!

What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

What television show best describes a mothers virginity?

Lost

What do a stoner lost in the desert and Bolivia have in common?

They're both really high and have no access to water.

What drove the British mystery fan insane?

He lost his Marples.

What do you call a man who has lost the lower parts of his legs, but still somehow has his feet?

Tony.

What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.

What did the farmer's daughter say when she lost her virginity?

Get off me dad you're crushing my smokes! Or "That'll do pig, that'll do." I have heard it both ways.

What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?

A bad gambler

What method did SFML perform when the Human lost to the AI?

Text.GetRect()

Why did Brazil lose the World Cup?

Weak back.

What do you call a pirate who is lost at sea and has to drink his own pee to survive?

Aarrrrrrr Kelly!

What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?

mourning wood

Why did the lion always lose at poker?

He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs!

What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

What do you call a Pirate who lost his anchor?

can't anchor us" /bow.. this is as clever as i get, people.. so sorry.

What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

What's the worst part about season 1 of Lost?

The episode.

How many light bulbs did it take to screw a human?

None, there not too bright with doing anything except showing us where to go when were lost in the dark

What do you call the teacher who lost her baby?

Miss Carriage

What do a tornado and a redneck wedding have in common?

Either way you lose a motorhome.

Why did Mr. T reject Marxism?

Because Marx said "You have nothing to lose but your chains."

Why did the Russians lose the space race?

Their rocket kept Stalin!

Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.

Why did the elk cry at the funeral?

He had lost a deer friend

Why did the Chinese almost lose in Mulan?

They had way to many chinks in their armor.

Why couldn't the blonde make icecubes?

because she lost the recipe.

What happened when the shoe factory burned down?

500 soles were lost.

How do you find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

Where did the Gingerbread man lose his leg?

He lost it back in the 'Nom War

What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky?

either way, someone is losing a trailer.

Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?

HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR

Where should you go if you lost a corner?

To the Eagles, they can get corner-backs.

What did the farmers daughter say when she lost her virginity?

Get off me dad your crushing my smokes!

What does a tornado and a red-neck divorce have in common?

Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.

What're you in for?

I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."

What do you call a lost crayon?

a Strayola

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

A retail store.

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

How did Jared lose 30 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend.

Why was the banker bored?

Because he lost interest in everything.

Who's going to lose the upcoming election?

Society.

What is the fastest way to lose pounds?

Leave EU.

Why is Jennie McCarthy so bad at RPG's?

The last time her son had a healing potion he lost 15 IQ Points.

Who did the pirate lose his virginity to?

His first mate.

How did Jared Fogle lose so much weight?

because he chose from the kids menu

Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

How do witches lose weight?

They join weight witches.

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?

He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

Why did the Scarecrow lose the debate?

All he had was a straw-man argument."

How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?

Me: *names two of them*

What makes me want to lose the will to live?

r/Jokes!

Who lost a herd of elephants ?

Big bo peep !

How does a nun lose her virginity?

Dresses up as an altar boy

Why did the lost tourist cross the road?

The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.

How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

What do you think about the coming battle General?

God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

Why do shoes get sad... Why do shoes get sad when they lose their matching shoe?

Because they lost their solemate

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

What did the big hairy monster do when he lost a hand?

He went to the second-hand shop.

How do you bowl a 301?

Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost

What do plantains say when they lose their phone?

Where did Mofongo "

Why will Church's chicken be losing money?

Because I don't see black people going to church's anytime soon

What did the redneck say when she lost her virginity?

GET OFF ME DAD, you're crushing my cigarettes!

What did the Alabama woman say when she lost her virginity?

Dad you're crushing my cigarettes.

What is something we all lost?

The Game

What happened when the owl lost his voice ?

He didn't give a hoot !

What did Jesus do to lose weight?

Crossfit

What's the best way for an American to lose weight?

Gamble in British currency.

What does an Eskimo girl say before she is about to lose her virginity?

Careful Dad, don't squish my smokes."

How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?

not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7

How does the Terminator lose weight?

By counting Kylereese.

What's your enemy called?

Dr Doom. Yours " "Joker" stifles laughter "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" just loses it

What do you call a hippo in Antarctica?

LOST!! (I'll show myself out now)

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

What is a Dutchman who lost his driving license?

Homeless.

What's not there when you get into an argument, but there when you lose the argument?

The door.

Why did Jared lose so much weight?

He always went for the 6 instead of the 12

What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?

If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.

Why can't the Muslim crossdresser feed his family?

He lost hijab.

What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra?

Go Bach and get a Handel on it!

How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar?

Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.

How much do you think I will be losing with this?

Pharmacist replies: Well ... around 200 bucks.

How did the Italians lose WWII?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

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