Mother Jokes

He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

Where am I?

Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

What day do most mothers give birth?

Labor day.

Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.

What did the lightbulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.

Why does a white guy go to a brothel?

For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel He's looking for his mother.

What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's IQ was below average?

SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?

Are you my mother

Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb?

Because it's baby food.

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?

Dad dad look what marma-laid' !

Whose mother likes rap music?

Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.

What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you?

You pull the trigger again.

What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

They are both over the counter strike

What is with 2016?

It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. sorry not sorry

Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?

Because two Eds are better than one.

What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

Look, Ma! No hands!

Whats the difference between Love and Herpes?

Your mother didn't give you love.

Why don't you take a train?

Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email?

He had no attachments.

What did the young witch say to her mother ?

Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !

What is hillybillys fantasy?

S&ampM . . . . .. Sister and Mother.

Why does a mother carry her baby?

The baby can't carry the mother.

Why aren't you wearing a coat?

Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?

Dual air bags.

Why was the young bear so spoiled?

A: Because his mother "panda'd" to his every whim!

Why was the little bear so spoiled ?

Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !

Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos?

Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...

What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone?

Miss ewe!"

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

For smoking in bed.

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

gtOnly if you go aks your mother.

Why did the strawberry cry?

Because his mother was in a jam.

What do you call a mother who is overweight and poor?

Beef on WIC

How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?

Hmm No risk do both.

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

Thanks for the mammaries!

What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India?

Mumbai

Why are you hitting that spider?

wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this

Why are south italian men so small?

Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand?

not enough sand.

Who Conquers All obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

What does your mother do for a living?

She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."

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