Turn Jokes

What is a NYC nanosecond?

If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.

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Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

What happens when a pirate turns 60?

He joins AARP

When is a car, not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox?

They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

What did one hotdog stand say to the other hotdog stand?

Eyyyy, Garry, didn't know you turned into a hotdog stand too! Eyyyy!

What did the egg say when it got turned up?

Om-lit

What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

This joke may have profanity.

Why do neurologists think they're God?

Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!

Why did Donald Duck break up with Daisy Duck?

Turns out she was a quack whore.

This joke may have profanity.

What did pirate say when he turned 80?

AYE MATEY

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon?

A Warehouse.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Definitely not Sally. Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? He was hit by a truck Why didn't the truck turn out of the way? Sally Was driving

How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer?

Stick it in microwave and turn it on until it's Bill Withers.

What is the difference between Elon musk and Tony Stark?

Stark industries has actually turned a profit

How do four whores sit on one chair?

They turn it over.

What don't BMWs have that all other manufacturers do?

Turn signals

Why are TV's attracted to people?

Because we turn them on. / /

Why do they call it the Xbox360?

Because when you see it, you turn 360 degrees and walk away.

How many tropical Birds Does it take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

Well, turns out one is not enough, but if you pair it, two can.

What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training?

Well done.

Why did the faucet turn on?

It was feeling .

Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past?

It had a SPOILER on it.

How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?

Have you tried turning it off and back on?

Why shouldn't you let the scientists have an antelope?

They'll turn it into a bombardeer

What's the difference between your mom and my computer?

I can still turn your mom on.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it.

How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction?

It turns out, it's not very hard at all

What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

How do you turn two colors that work into a rainbow that doesn't?

Colorizebot

How do you turn a little boy into a little girl?

With a small loan of a million dollars.

Which playing card can turn its hand to everything?

Jack of all Spades

What's black & white and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a javelin through her neck.

How do you stop being an 18 year old Virgin?

Turn 19

How many "suh dudes" does it take to turn on a light bulb?

None, it's already lit fam haha suh dude.

How do you fit four sailors onto a barstool?

Turn the barstool upside down.

How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?

Remove an electron.

How do I turn my new girlfriend on?

She's a robot and the instructions are in Chinese.

What does supervillain Black Man need to do to escape the crime scene?

Turn off all the lights.

How do you interrupt a vegans dinner?

Just turn on the sprinkler.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A brick to the back of his head should do it.

How do you turn soup to gold?

Add 24 carrots

What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten?

Premature Edraculation

What do you call someone who can't turn pancakes?

A flip-flop.

Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire?

It wanted to get off its ash.

Why are popcorn just like people?

Everything is fine as long as they are white, it is when they turn black it starts to be a problem.

How do your organize a space party?

You planet! (It won't turn out well though because it has no atmosphere.)

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

What's the difference between Rutgers and Rikers?

One turns young people into horrible human beings and the other is jail.

What happened to the the Pentagon after the plane crash in 9/11?

It turned into a hexagon.

What sort file do you you need to turn a 1.5 inch hole into a 4.5 inch one?

A pedo-file.

How many people with OCD does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Only one, but they have to turn it on and off 50 times before they're sure it's fixed.

Why did I throw my phone out of my window?

Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane...

Why did the Mexican fail English 101?

He wouldn't turn in his essay

What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get?

Man .

Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Ayeee-Matey

Why are the police so corrupt?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.

What did the A/C unit say when it suddenly turned on?

Sorry, I just needed to vent"

Why did Chewbacca turn down Princess Leia?

She doesn't Swallowbacca.

Why did the genie turn the man into a toad?

He rubbed him the wrong way.

How did Satan turn an unbeliever holy?

He scared the hell out of him.

Why do handicapped people wear shoes?

Because if they didn't their local gas station would turn a blind eye.

What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl?

Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)

What's the difference between my ex and my toaster?

It only takes 120 volts to turn on my toaster.

Whats the best thing about duct tape?

It turns NO! NO! NO! into MMM MMM MMM

What does a Pirate say when he turns 80?

Ayyyeeeee mmmaattteeeyyy.

What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on?

Mourning Wood

What's pink and slowly turns red?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?

Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.

How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road?

Turn toward your side!

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

How do you know?

My phone is turned off.

Why did the kittens turn atheist?

Coz their eyes opened.

What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger?

They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.

What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?

A right a right a right!

What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on?

It twerked.

What direction does a Walter White-themed GPS tell you to turn?

Goddamn right.

What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf?

It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven, I still love her.

How do you turn fruits into vegetables?

Drive a bus through a pride parade

What do you get if you turn an evil laugh backwards?

A laughing cow. Ahahahahahahahamoo.

What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

Nothing, as he didn't exist. The probability of anyone in that demographic reaching their eighties is particularly low, and an active pirate being eighty one years of age is further rendered a statistical impossibility given that a pirate would need to be above a certain threshold in terms of physical ability.

How do you turn tap water into holy water?

You boil the HELL out of it! Har har har.

Why did the water turn into steam?

It mistbehaved

What's the M0D's name before they're triggered; turning into a furious, putrid, lump of blubber?

Bruce Banner

What do you call an international diamond monopoly turned Chicago football team?

Da Beers

What do astronomers do when they have nowhere else to turn?

They default in our stars

What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!

What do you call a symphony where everyone plays at the same time instead of taking turns?

An chestra.

Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?

I guess that some people just want to see the world turn

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun. You hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun Edit: My 5 year old nephew loves this joke.

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

Why did the PI detective cross the road?

He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.

What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

What kind of dog can turn on your car?

Yorkies

Why do stop lights turn red?

You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.

What do you call a group of ISIS members with their backs turned?

A bunch of sissies.

How did Geordi La Forge go blind?

He turned on the UV light in the Holodeck.

What's the deal with lampshades?

If your gonna turn on a light... Why shade it.

What's long and thick and turns conservative women on?

The Bible

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Stick Jokes More Stick Jokes

What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence?

Mountin' time

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

Everybody Jokes More Everybody Jokes

What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

Yesterday Jokes More Yesterday Jokes

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

Street Jokes More Street Jokes

Who's there ! Aladdin ! Aladdin who ?

Aladdin the street wants a word with you !

Why did Adele cross the street?

To say hello.... From the other side.

Window Jokes More Window Jokes

Why do you say he's conceited?

Fred: Well every time there was a thunderclap during the storm he went to the window and took a bow.

What is the difference between a 2 year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Light Jokes More Light Jokes

Who turns the lights off at halloween ?

The light's witch !

What's the deal with lampshades?

If your gonna turn on a light... Why shade it.

Girlfriend Jokes More Girlfriend Jokes

What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend?

IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he needed his space.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams