Jesus Jokes

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

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What did Jesus say to Melchior?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

Nails in their hands and feet

Why is Jesus always sad?

Because Jesus Christ (Cries)

What's the difference between Jesus and the chicken that crossed the road?

Jesus died on the cross

Why did Jesus drink wine at the last supper?

Because in 3 days, he would be a raisin

What did they call Jesus after He died on the cross?

Xavier

What does Jesus say when someone cuts his call?

Hello.. Hello..? Lama sabachthani?!

What's Jesus' favorite car?

A Christler.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

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Why did Jesus have a six pack?

It was from all the cross-training...

Why did Jesus die on the cross?

he forgot the safe word

What brand of underwear did Jesus wear?

Fruit of the Womb

Why didn't Jesus have any children?

He only got nailed by guys )

Who was the first striker?

Jesus. He went for the cross

Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

What do Jesus and germs have in common?

Nobody has ever seen them directly, but everyone says they exist.

What do Jesus and Muhammad have in common?

They both nailed a 2x4.

How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?

He used the Cross Walk.

What would Burger Kings slogan be if Jesus founded it?

Have it Yahweh

What did Jesus say to Peter?

Hebrew

What would be Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun

What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy?

OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!

What is Jesus's favorite gun?

A nail gun.

What did the roman soldier say after crucifying Jesus?

Nailed it

How did Jesus get so ripped?

He does crossfit.

Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned?

So Catholics could do this makes the sign of the cross, instead of this bangs self in head with fists.

What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?

Jesus doesn't think he's Bono

How does Jesus make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?

Jesus

What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus?

Jesus didn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over body

Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus?

Because he was hung like this

What goes over the water, and under the water, but stays dry?

Jesus in a submarine.

How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss?

Jesus!

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Crossfit

Why does Jesus hate M&Ms?

They keep falling through his hands.

What was Jesus favorite games?

Hangman and lacrosse

Why does Jesus Jaywalk?

Because he hates crosswalks

What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice?

Jesus

What workout routine did Jesus stick to best?

Crossfit

What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past?

Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)

Why did Jesus die ?

He forgot his safe word.

What kind of exercise did Jesus do?

Crossfit

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

He's always nailed to the boards....

What is Jesus' favorite video game on earth?

I am bread.

What car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

What is Jesus' favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept on getting nailed into the boards.

What was Jesus's favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails.

Why is Jesus terrible at hockey?

He keeps getting pinned to the boards.

What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?

I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.

What is Jesus's least favorite gun?

A nail gun.

What's the difference between Jesus and a whore?

The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.

This joke may have profanity.

What was the first mention of soccer in the bible?

When Jesus went up for the cross.

What kind of music did Jesus hate?

Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.

What sways from side to side?

Jesus on a rubber cross!

What did Pontius Pilate say to Jesus?

If you drop that damn Cross again you are out of my Parade.

Why does Jesus like Japanese food?

Because he loves miso

How is Jesus different from other carpenters?

Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day

How did Jesus lose his virginity?

When he was nailed on the cross.

What did Jesus said to his girlfriend in the morning?

Damn, you really nailed me last night.

This joke may have profanity.

Why did Jesus fall on the side of the road?

Because he was crossed.

Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?

It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!

How do we know Jesus was a man?

We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.

Why couldn't Jesus play marbles?

Because they kept falling through his hands.

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???

Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.

Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?

Because Jesus saves.

What would Jesus's favorite gun be?

A nail gun

Why was Saint Peter so good at basketball?

He denied Jesus 3 times

How did Jesus get his beach bod for the summer?

Cross fit

What did the black Jesus say to the black Black Buddah?

Allah back!

Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball?

All those spikes hurt his hands

What would Jesus say if you angered him?

I'm Crossed."

Why did Jesus have to walk everywhere?

He drove a Ford.

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?

Because he's a cross product.

What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "jesus christ I look good"?

Using the lords name in vanity

What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?

Yall nailed it.

What did the Klondike Bar say to Jesus?

What would you do.

What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus?

Nailed it!"

Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?

Because the date wasn't nailed down.

Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?

He forgot the safe word.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

What gun does Jesus hate the most?

The nail gun. So sorry if this offends you Credit to the podcast

What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways?

He died on the cross!

Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

How do you say "Jesus take the wheel" in Arabic?

Allah take the flight controls

Why is the door to heaven always open?

Because Jesus was born in a barn.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

What was Jesus's least favorite bone?

The blasfemur

What does God do whenever he gets frustrated with Jesus?

He gets out the Bible Belt!

What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?

When Jesus cleared the temple.

What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus?

Kanye's not him.

What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?

HOLY MACKAREL!

What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?

Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.

What's the first sign of football in the bible?

Jesus going up for the cross!

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How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

What kind of house does Fonzie live in?

An "A" frame...

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

How did Paul, the octopus, originally die?

Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup " Paul died laughing.

What does my mom and a turkey have in common?

They both died on Thanksgiving

Shot Jokes More Shot Jokes

What do you call the new policing strategy of communities such as Ferguson, Missouri?

A shot in the dark.

What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum. Bartender pours it Cat slowly pushes it off the bar Cat: Another.

Crossfit Jokes More Crossfit Jokes

What workout routine did Jesus stick to best?

Crossfit

What kind of exercise did Jesus do?

Crossfit

Lady Jokes More Lady Jokes

Why did the lady stare at the orange juice?

Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!

Why is the lady on the Red Heads matchbox always smiling?

There are 48 heads in her box - of course shes happy!

Hold Jokes More Hold Jokes

Why did the gentleman hold the door?

Because he was dying to do so.

What has 52 teeth and can hold back the incredible Hulk?

My Zipper

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?

BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE

How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead.

Nail Jokes More Nail Jokes

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you say when a Polish magician performs a magic trick?

Nailed it