Christmas Jokes

What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex?

A Krismas goose.

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Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

What did the ghost say on December 25th?

A: Scary Christmas!

Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?

He said it was too tight."

What do you call Jamal's dad during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years?

Hide n' Seek World Champion 2010-2016

Why isn't Christmas spelled Christmals?

Because Noel.

What do you call a dog on the beach?

Sandy Claws Merry Christmas

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit

What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?

Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?

Fancy a bite

Who's there ! Amory ! Amory who ?

Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year !

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What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?

Mean-opoly.

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

What did David Bowie want for Christmas?

Carrie Fisher.

What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?

Oh comb all ye faithful'

What do homeless people get for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

What do Hispanic weeaboos say on Christmas?

Feliz NYAHHHH-vidad

What does deaf, mute and blind person get for christmas?

Cancer

Why do dyslexic children get nothing for Christmas?

They are writing to Satan.

How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

What does an orphan get for Christmas?

Really lonely.

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ?

Best vicious of the season

What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding?

Yule ln!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?

Ince pies!

What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?

They both have Sandy Claws.

What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A pear. P.s. got this joke in a cracker. If anybody gets it can you please explain it. My family is stumped.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?

They both drop their needles !

What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?

They both have ornamental balls

What do elephants sing at christmas ?

Noel-ephants Noel-ephants...

Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis.

Why is it so cold at Christmas?

It's in Decembrrrrr.

What's the best part about being a meth addict?

3 sleeps 'til Christmas

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?

A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

What is robin going to get for Christmas?

An oviposition set

How does NASA organize their Christmas party?

They planet

How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

OC He looked inside Santa's sack.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?

They both have ornamental balls.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas?

A: Mule-tide greetings.

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?

Elephanta Claus !

What's a virgin's favorite Christmas song?

Single Bells"

What do a Christmas tree and a sterile man have in common?

Their balls are for decoration only.

What did the blind deaf mute boy in a wheelchair get for Christmas?

Cancer!

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?

Jungle bells.

What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?

Dolly.

What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music?

One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.

What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?

A ghoul Yule!

What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

new gloves for the cold days

What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

What did the little girl with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

Cancer. :(

What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?

A pineapple !

What did the bad rapper get for Christmas?

J Coal

Who made this Christmas pudding?

Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

What did the strawberry say on December 25th?

Berry Christmas!

Why does Jay Z love Christmas?

Because he's the best wrapper alive.

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

Santa Clues.

What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert?

Oh caaamel ye faithful.

Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

What's Christmas called in England ?

Yule Britannia !

Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for christmas?

He had been illumi-naughty

What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas?

Cancer.

What did the deaf, dumb, blind orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer!*

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?

Santa Jaws !

What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are only for decoration.

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

Why didn't the string get anything for Christmas?

Because he was knotty!

What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?

Only two more sleeps till Christmas!

Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?

Because it's Boxing Day!

Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...

What do crack addicts sing while caroling?

All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!

What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas?

I love Satan

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?

Grave-y !

How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?

A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?

Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?

Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift

What's Nigel Farage's favourite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?

Chick to chick !

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time ?

Cross mouse cards !

Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?

Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

How much longer?

Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?

Santapplause !

Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?

Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What types of trees never get Christmas presents?

Knotty Pines.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

What did the banker get for Christmas?

My 401k

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like sprouts!"

Why does the KKK like christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

What is the cow's holiday greeting?

Mooooory Christmas!

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