Girlfriend Jokes

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

My girlfriend knows about my wife.

What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend?

Snickers satisfies.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

50 pounds.

What did the necrophile say to his ex-girlfriend?

I only loved you for your body!"

When Do You Hurt a Midget?

When He is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!

What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

His Feyonce.

What does an illustrator say to his girlfriend on Valentine ?

I'm font of you.

Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house?

It swept with his girlfriend :P

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count ?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow,

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Coffee Mug

What did the lesbian lumberjill say to her girlfriend?

Have I got an ax to grind with you.

How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend?

When he starts using condoms with other girls.

What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?

See you next month!

Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?

Prose before hoes.

Whats red, 10 inches long, and makes your girlfriend cry when you put it in her mouth?

her miscarriage

What do locking the keys in your car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common?

both can be solved with a coat hanger

What's your best limerick?

There once was a fellow McSweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

Whats 10 inches?

What's 10 inches, has a big red head and makes my girlfriend cry when i put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage

What did the otter say to his girlfriend?

You are my significant otter."

What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage?

Trying to look upset.

What did the hippie say when his girlfriend told him to move out?

Nah, I'm a stay. (namaste)

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyonce.

What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend?

He nectar!

How did Jared lose 30 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend.

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?

SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!

How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?

www.AshleyMadison.com

What is 19 cm long, pink and my girlfriend screams when i put it in her mouth?

her abortion

This joke may have profanity.

How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

Some people actually believe santa exist.

What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?

Dayuum. I'd hit that."

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has one clean finger.

What do you do if your girlfriend is choking ?

Back up a few inches

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 60 pounds.

What's the do a girlfriend and an ice cream cone have in common?

The ones that are hot don't last as long

What can you get off with your finger that you can't get off with steel wool?

Your girlfriend.

What did the stoner say to his girlfriend?

We'd be good together.

How is a girlfriend like a pronoun?

Your's is possessive

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend 45 minutes

What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend?

Baaaaaeeeee!

What made the vampire a gentlemen?

They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

Who's your Daddy?

In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy " instead of "Who's your daddy " and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...

What did the overbearing mother melon say to her son and his girlfriend?

You Cantaloupe.

What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?

Palmela Handerson

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

What do you say to a girlfriend who calls you a lazy couch potato?

Well let me tell you...

What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend?

A: His smellular phone!

When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls?

A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic?

You're dead to me."

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow?

Cows are real.

Why did the Eskimo break up with his girlfriend?

He just wasn't really Inuit...

How do you get your girlfriend to fart?

Pull out

What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend?

They both let me stick it in only one place.

How old is your girlfriend?

She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"

Why is your face all scratched ?

My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !

How many girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know...

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

I need some space.

What did the pirate's ghost say to his girlfriend?

I love your Boo-ty

How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal?

He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.

Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

How did Jared lose 40 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend

How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend.

How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant

Why are thedonald users not cucks?

First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with.

Why can't a W-boson get a girlfriend?

He can't even last a femtosecond!

Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?

He just needed some space.

What does weed and your girlfriend have in common?

They both leave me sticky fingers. 7

Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.

What happened to the egg and his girlfriend?

They broke up.

What's the difference ?

What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!

What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?

A gf gif gift grift

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

I love you a ton!"

Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?

A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'

What did Humpty Dumpty say to his girlfriend when she said they were breaking up?

Is this some sort of yolk

How does a hamster propose to his girlfriend?

With a hamst-ring! I'm sorry.

What should you do when your ex-girlfriend stands in the spotlights?

Drive faster.

How's the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator

What's the best thing about having a girlfriend who is addicted to Starbucks?

You'll never forget her name.

What did Peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up?

Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."

What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth?

Our miscarriage.

What's worse?

Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else

What does a cow call his girlfriend?

His significant udder.

How many girlfriend does a white boy need to shoot a school?

None.

Who was that, your girlfriend?

Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*

What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?

Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

What's the difference between a clever midget and my ex-girlfriend, the trackstar?

One's a cunning runt... and I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the lesbian-vampire say to her girlfriend?

See ya next month.

What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?

It's a dead letter day.

Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?

What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "

Where'd you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine's Day.

Why can't my girlfriend perform at open mic night?

Because she's a cover thief.

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Spend Jokes More Spend Jokes

What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach?

A tangent

Where does Ben Carson spend most of his time on Reddit?

r/explainlikeimfive

Mountain Jokes More Mountain Jokes

You see, mountains aren't just funny.

They are hill areas.

What is green and glides down a mountain?

A skiwi

Zombie Jokes More Zombie Jokes

What do vegan zombies crave?

GRRAAAAINS!!

Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party?

He didn't have the guts

Burn Jokes More Burn Jokes

What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common?

Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.

Why did the arsonist go to the gym?

To burn some calories.

Black Eye Jokes More Black Eye Jokes

What's the difference between a good joke and a woman?

The good joke doesn't get a black eye when you tell it a second time.

What do you call a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, Chris Brown doesn't want you getting involved in his personal life

Dump Jokes More Dump Jokes

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed.

Why did Superman dump Lois for Wonder Woman?

He decided he wanted to date someone in the same League.

Color Jokes More Color Jokes

What do Muslim children color with?

A Quran

Who isn't white or black but shows you no color?

A Rod

Flush Jokes More Flush Jokes

Why couldn't the poop get flushed down the drain?

Because it was deterred.

Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.